Dishcoteque! by John If you value your flatware, and you should, then why are you using common dishwashing liquid, or–heaven forbid–those evil pods, which are bad for your plates, hell on your glasses, and terrible for the environment. Dishcoteque! by John is a sane solution to your dishwashing concerns, and it’s available in two-ounce containers made of recycled seashells for $100.
John Mayer’s Ice! by John Mayer If you’re putting ice from your freezer into your drinks, then your children should be taken from you by the state, and not even your state: a different state that doesn’t have its shit together. Made from the purest of spring water and only handled by our trained icetenders, John Mayer’s Ice! by John Mayer is available in spheres, cubes, hypercubes, and toroidal polyhedra. $10 apiece or 3 for $30.
iScrubJM1000 You bought your sponges at Costco; these sponges were hand-picked from the ocean floor by a member of the Cousteau family. That makes them better, even though they cannot be used on any surface that food touches, due to all the sponges being infected with sea-herpes. $120 each, comes with certificate of authenticity and a pamphlet entitled “What To Do Now That You’ve Got Sea-Herpes.”
John Feather’s Mayer Duster Three different hawks, wild ostrich, and a goose that only lives in Mali have been hunted down and plucked; we believe it is the environmentally conscious way to make a duster. Don’t ask us why we believe that, but we do. Also, we have a net outside the window of our office to catch pigeons. Plus the handle’s made from a vulture’s leg bone. Birds were put on this earth to harvest for dusters. $300, replacement feathers available.
The Fanciest Fucking Backscratcher You’ve Ever Seen, for John! by John Mayer If you’ve been scratching your back with one of those metal doohickeys from 7-11, then John Mayer hates you. John’s been scratching his back for several years now since he heard it described on Pandora, and he’s put a lot of thought into the matter. Each piece is custom-fitted for your needs: arm length, back width, itchiness. The shaft is made from carbon fiber-wrapped tungsten which has been covered in a non-slip cover made of rubberized titanium, and the scratching tines have been carved from reclaimed ivory to bring awareness to something. $7,200.
White Power by John Mayer It’s toothpaste, and they didn’t think the name through. $100 a tube.
J-Tips Your ears are the hands of your skull, and you should value them enough not to use a mass-produced cotton swab to clean them. J-Tips are small-batch cotton swabs made by locally-sourced child labor right here in America. Each swab is individually produced, and then certified as kosher by a rabbi via webcam. Our patented Aurapuffs™ are pure Algerian cotton (Egyptian cotton is for poor people and American cotton is racist), and our HandiSticks™are made from three hundred-dollar bills using a proprietary Origami process that strengthens the bills, but ruins them upon use. $700 each, only available in sets of 10.
Lemon Pledge by John Mayer It’s Lemon Pledge. $350 a can.
O, Heavenly Ass JM! The toilet paper you’re using is made out of Hitler; it’s probably giving you anal lupus as we speak. A longtime user of toilet paper, John Mayer overheard his ass-wiper mention one day that not everyone had ass-wipers. “They do it themselves?” John asked. “Is that environmentally conscious?” That began our collaboration with John: our app, Poopr, will have a certified and bonded anal detailer at your house, work, or the Barnes & Noble where you like to poop in less than 15 minutes. It’s like Uber, but for clean buttholes. $200 a pop, prices subject to surge pricing.
John Mayer’s John Mayer’s Opera by John Mayer for John! by John Mayer for JM by John Galliano John Mayer befriends fat people who are planning on undergoing liposuction. The adipose tissue suctioned out is turned into handcrafted soaps. Each bar comes with a song about the person who donated the fat written and performed by John Mayer himself. $900 per bar.