Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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Diner- Tuscaloosa, 1965.

Bruno Mars and John Legend sit at the counter. Everyone else in the diner is white. Not happy. Bruno pulls a refreshing Pepsi™ out of his jacket. They are instantly served hamburgers and there is no more racism.

Tiamanmen Square, 1989

Students. Soldiers. All of a sudden, a row of tanks appears. Chaos. Cara Delevingne stands in front of the lead tank and plugs up the gun with a can of delicious Pepsi™. China undergoes massive but cautious democratic reform.

Stonewall Inn, 1969

Gays. Lesbians. Drag queens. Cops. Someone throws a brick. A battle. Then, Beyoncé hands out ice-cold bottles of Pepsi™ to the crowd. Homosexuals are granted full civil rights the next day.

(This actually might happen. I truly believe that if you used the Time Sheath to send Beyoncé back to 1969, gay guys would instinctively recognize her. Shit, I think the cops in 1969 would recognize her. Beyoncé is so famous that she’s retroactively famous.)

Bighorn County –  Montana Territory, 1876

Custer (Matt Damon) rides his horse into battle with his men. Crazy Horse (also Matt Damon) does the same. We cut back and forth. Just before they meet, Lindsay Lohan enters. She hurls an open two-liter bottle of life-giving Pepsi™ at Custer, staining his buckskin suit, and then begins punching Crazy Horse in the thigh, hard, while demanding cocaine. Instead of fighting each other, Custer and Crazy Horse team up to fight Lindsay Lohan. Oddly enough, there are the exact same number of casualties.

Omaha Beach, 1944

Wet Americans. Dry Germans. Landing craft. Pillbox. Binoculars. Machine guns. On the beach, Caitlyn Jenner strips naked and applies a too-generous glob of vegan lube to a glass bottle of tasty Pepsi™. Allies and Axis watch her fuck herself to a violent, spastic, tearful orgasm. She licks the bottle clean when she’s done shivering. The war is called off and everyone goes home to process whatever it was they just saw. It was peace…but at what cost?


  1. I have to Google “Pepsi ad” now to figure out what the fuck this post is about. That said, I’m willing to bet I will be appalled, but not at all surprised, about what I learn.

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