Enthusiasts with non-goldfish memories will recall that What’s Become of the Dead promised that tickets to the MSG show(s) would be set to two price-points: fifty bucks for the nose-bleeds, hundred for the folding chairs. This, as expected, turned out to be a Show Biz Promise, and not worth the cocaine it was spelled out on a groupie’s boobs with.
Above, you can see that a few Official Platinum Seats still remain available at the low, low price of $575. (Before charges. With Ticketmaster charges, the tickets are $1,125.)
Thank God for me, Enthusiasts, because only through this website can you access the secret, ultra-exclusive seats and ticket packages. With only a $799 cash fee upfront, you can become eligible to sit in any of the following sections:
Latinum Seats are just as good as platinum, but you will have to negotiate the price with a Ferengi.
Catinum Seats are full of sand and you can take a shit during Terrapin if you want. Ushers will bring complimentary saucers of creamy milk during setbreak, and there will be sunbeams.
Kattinum Seats come with a pre-show dinner with TV’s William Katt from The Greatest American Hero. For an extra thousand, he will wear the suit.
Fatinum Seats are double-wide and reinforced and if you need one, then you need one. But, you know: you shouldn’t need one.
Byzantium Seats are unbelievably complicated to get to.
John Mayer’s Van These seats are in John Mayer’s van. There’s a whole entertainment center and big-screen in there, and he threw a ridiculous sound system in, so you’re kind of set. Also: private bathroom and a place to nap and if the show sucks, you can drive over to see Phil’s band.