Batman vs. Superman Any answer other than “Superman would use his nigh-on-godly powers to disintegrate every atom of the rich kid in a pervert suit and a fancy car in less than a second,” is incorrect. Any answer that starts by attempting to set up Batman for victory must be responded to with a knee to the crotch.
“Well, if Batman had an hour toCROTCHKNEE.”
Superman is a force akin to the tides or volcanos; Batman’s main ability is killing Robins. Superman wins every single time.
TC vs. Keith vs. Brent vs. Vince So, really: Keith vs. Brent.
Keith was masterful piano player, but played other keyboards like a gay guy being forced to touch a vagina: you could tell he didn’t want his fingers there. Brent’s B3 work was awesome and tasteful and vibrant and driving, but he never learned how to water ski.
It’s a draw.
Star Wars vs. Star Trek Oh, fuck off, nerd.
Grateful Dead vs. Phish No longer valid, as the Grateful Dead seems to be subsuming Phish and they may or may not be one thing at this point.
Reddit vs. Gawker Let them fight.
Peanut Butter vs. Jelly Peanut butter raped all those guys in Wisconsin, but Jelly opened up a luncheonette so he could sell unsuspecting townspeople hobo meat. Both monstrous: also a draw.
Carpeting vs. Hardwood floors Hardwood floors with an area rug: best of both worlds. BOOM.
Drunks vs. Gravity In the long run, gravity will out. That goes for everyone, but drunks seem to pile up a lot of what you might call “negative gravitational karma.” Drunks are good at avoiding or negating or even ignoring gravity; gravity does not forget such slights. Gravity wins: gravity always fucking wins.
Garcia vs. Hotel Rooms Again, we speak of perspectives. The concept of hotels will be around longer than the concept of Garcia. People have been staying in hotel rooms for a long time: Jesus Christ’s parents, Joseph and Mary Christ, famously couldn’t get one. We’ll be sleeping uneasily on sheets strangers have buttfucked each other on long into the future, maybe even far enough into the future for the buttfucking to have been space-buttfucking.
However, if you ignore the conceptual in favor of the concrete, the fact is that Garcia’s going to be burning any room you put him in to the ground within hours of check-in.
Snorkeling vs. Dead Armadillo on the Side of the Road This is a tough one. People truly enjoy their snorkel-time, even though I’ve never been able to join in. (I have no idea why; I just can’t make the air go up and down the snorkel; then I freak out and take my bathing suit off; everyone’s all, “Get out of the fountain.”)
Armadillo on the side of the road, be it dead or alive, is almost surely infected with leprosy. Draw.
Kramer vs. Kramer Kramer wins.
Kramer vs. Black people Nobody won.
Boobs vs. Butts Now, all Enthusiasts know about TotD’s political and social beliefs regarding women: it’s a wonder they haven’t slit all of our throats by now. It will come, therefore, as no shock that I formally protest this category. Reducing women to body parts is archaic, sleazy, and just a bit trite by now. I object.
However, it was underlined, so I have to do it. (I don’t make the rules, man.)
They are similar in many respects. Evolutionary psychologists say that the rump evolved to resemble the rack, or vice versa. Of course, evolutionary psychologists just make shit up as they go, so let’s not pay attention to them anymore.
Both have rather humorous names: yabbos, for example, or badonkadonk. Sloppy Sallies, or Two Fine Christmas Hams Under a Blanket.
Upon first introduction to a woman, you may not grab at either of these parts of her body. Again, we see boobs and the butt are an even match.
They both have weird and almost deliberately stupid rules about the specific parts within the larger boob/butt that can be shown. The whole cheek of the butt is okay, but not the crack. You can show boobcrack (also known as cleavage) all the day long, but if you expose your nipple, you’re dishonoring the troops. This is a tie, too
On humans, the butt/boob ratio is 1:1. You got a leftie and a rightie. Other mammals, though, have many, many boobs; they only ever have one butt. Even the most spectacularly-assed gibbon or mandrill has but one ass, no matter how glorious it is. So: do boobs take the day on this point? No, because we’re talking about human ladies here: they’re the only ones with “boobs.” Animals have teats and a half-dozen leaky nipples at a time; let’s leave them out of this.
You can get implants in both boobs and the butt. Kicking someone in the butt is funny, but punching someone in the boob is also funny. (TotD decries all violence towards women, but it is an objective fact that the phrase “punched in the boob” is funny. Watch:
“What happened, Linda?”
“I got punched in the boob.”
I think this one, like so many others, must be declared a draw. Boobs and the butt are equally wonderful.
Now I need you stop.
Black vs. White
The colors. Exclusively speaking about the hues.
Okay, I guess.
Thanks. White, in many cultures, symbolizes purity and cleanliness; whereas the color black is naturally good at basketball.
SHUT IT DOWN.
You’re still here?