Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To


Batman vs. Superman Any answer other than “Superman would use his nigh-on-godly powers to disintegrate every atom of the rich kid in a pervert suit and a fancy car in less than a second,” is incorrect. Any answer that starts by attempting to set up Batman for victory must be responded to with a knee to the crotch.

“Well, if Batman had an hour toCROTCHKNEE.”

Superman is a force akin to the tides or volcanos; Batman’s main ability is killing Robins. Superman wins every single time.

TC vs. Keith vs. Brent vs. Vince So, really: Keith vs. Brent.

Keith was masterful piano player, but played other keyboards like a gay guy being forced to touch a vagina: you could tell he didn’t want his fingers there. Brent’s B3 work was awesome and tasteful and vibrant and driving, but he never learned how to water ski.

It’s a draw.

Star Wars vs. Star Trek Oh, fuck off, nerd.

Grateful Dead vs. Phish No longer valid, as the Grateful Dead seems to be subsuming Phish and they may or may not be one thing at this point.

Reddit vs. Gawker Let them fight.

Peanut Butter vs. Jelly Peanut butter raped all those guys in Wisconsin, but Jelly opened up a luncheonette so he could sell unsuspecting townspeople hobo meat. Both monstrous: also a draw.

Carpeting vs. Hardwood floors Hardwood floors with an area rug: best of both worlds. BOOM.

Drunks vs. Gravity In the long run, gravity will out. That goes for everyone, but drunks seem to pile up a lot of what you might call “negative gravitational karma.” Drunks are good at avoiding or negating or even ignoring gravity; gravity does not forget such slights. Gravity wins: gravity always fucking wins.

Garcia vs. Hotel Rooms Again, we speak of perspectives. The concept of hotels will be around longer than the concept of Garcia. People have been staying in hotel rooms for a long time: Jesus Christ’s parents, Joseph and Mary Christ, famously couldn’t get one. We’ll be sleeping uneasily on sheets strangers have buttfucked each other on long into the future, maybe even far enough into the future for the buttfucking to have been space-buttfucking.

However, if you ignore the conceptual in favor of the concrete, the fact is that Garcia’s going to be burning any room you put him in to the ground within hours of check-in.

Another draw.

Snorkeling vs. Dead Armadillo on the Side of the Road This is a tough one. People truly enjoy their snorkel-time, even though I’ve never been able to join in. (I have no idea why; I just can’t make the air go up and down the snorkel; then I freak out and take my bathing suit off; everyone’s all, “Get out of the fountain.”)

Armadillo on the side of the road, be it dead or alive, is almost surely infected with leprosy. Draw.

Kramer vs. Kramer Kramer wins.

Kramer vs. Black people Nobody won.

Boobs vs. Butts Now, all Enthusiasts know about TotD’s political and social beliefs regarding women: it’s a wonder they haven’t slit all of our throats by now. It will come, therefore, as no shock that I formally protest this category. Reducing women to body parts is archaic, sleazy, and just a bit trite by now. I object.

However, it was underlined, so I have to do it. (I don’t make the rules, man.)

They are similar in many respects. Evolutionary psychologists say that the rump evolved to resemble the rack, or vice versa. Of course, evolutionary psychologists just make shit up as they go, so let’s not pay attention to them anymore.

Both have rather humorous names: yabbos, for example, or badonkadonk. Sloppy Sallies, or Two Fine Christmas Hams Under a Blanket.

Upon first introduction to a woman, you may not grab at either of these parts of her body. Again, we see boobs and the butt are an even match.

They both have weird and almost deliberately stupid rules about the specific parts within the larger boob/butt that can be shown. The whole cheek of the butt is okay, but not the crack. You can show boobcrack (also known as cleavage) all the day long, but if you expose your nipple, you’re dishonoring the troops. This is a tie, too

On humans, the butt/boob ratio is 1:1. You got a leftie and a rightie. Other mammals, though, have many, many boobs; they only ever have one butt. Even the most spectacularly-assed gibbon or mandrill has but one ass, no matter how glorious it is. So: do boobs take the day on this point? No, because we’re talking about human ladies here: they’re the only ones with “boobs.” Animals have teats and a half-dozen leaky nipples at a time; let’s leave them out of this.

You can get implants in both boobs and the butt. Kicking someone in the butt is funny, but punching someone in the boob is also funny. (TotD decries all violence towards women, but it is an objective fact that the phrase “punched in the boob” is funny. Watch:

“What happened, Linda?”

“I got punched in the boob.”


I think this one, like so many others, must be declared a draw. Boobs and the butt are equally wonderful.

Now I need you stop.

One more.


Black vs. White

Wait, no.

The colors. Exclusively speaking about the hues.

Okay, I guess.

Thanks. White, in many cultures, symbolizes purity and cleanliness; whereas the color black is naturally good at basketball.



You’re still here?


    • Even though I want to slit your throat I have to agree that you really can’t choose between boobs and butts. Both are so nice.

      It just really sucks when they’re stared at.

  1. PROTIP:
    Always trust a tiny butt and a smirk.
    Never trust a big butt and a smile.

  2. Lemons vs. limes?
    Gold vs. silver?
    Banana vs. cucumber?
    Mickey vs. Billy?
    State trooper vs. county sheriff?
    Ocean vs. mountains?
    Pamela Anderson vs. Caitlyn Jenner?
    VHS vs. Beta?
    The Hulk vs. Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock?
    Phil vs. Jill?
    China > Rider vs. Scarlet > Fire?
    Scissors? Paper? Rock?
    Stone cold teen fox vs. Caitlyn Jenner?
    LSD vs. mushrooms?
    Parrish vs. Ramrod?
    Betty Cantor-Jackson vs. . . . well, forget that one.
    Coppertone vs. Hawaiian Tropic?
    Clinton vs. Bush (pick any generation/gender)?
    War vs. peace?
    ’72 vs. ’74?
    Ripple vs. Broke-down?
    Rita Ora vs. Ariana Grande?
    Ann Coulter vs. Arianna Huffington?
    Summer vs. winter?
    Life vs. death?
    Coffee vs. tea?
    Tea Party vs. Islamists?
    Me and My Uncle vs. Big River?
    Ramble On Rose vs. Brown-eyed Women?
    Crazy Fingers vs. Here Comes Sunshine?
    Ship of Fools vs. Lost Sailor?
    Tennessee Jed vs. Mississippi Half-Step Uptown Toodleloo?
    Days fuckin’ Between.

    • Limes (but fuck, I love eating lemons)
      State troopers
      Caitlyn Jenner
      The Hulk
      Phil???? Idk that’s a weird one
      China>Rider, sorry
      Stone-cold teen fox (get your fuckin eyes off of me and my girls tho)
      Ehhhh Parish
      Coppertone (love the way it smells)
      Cill Blinton & Monica Lewinsky
      ’72… But ’74… But ’72?????? Fuck it, I’ll go with ’74. Eyes jams.
      Ariana Grande
      Ariana Huffington
      Coffee (hate the way it tastes but I LOVE the way it smells)
      Tea Party
      Me & My Uncle
      Ramble on Rose
      Crazy Fingers, but that’s actually a tough one
      Ship of Fools
      Mississippi Half-Step
      wow I’m so hungry RN lol

  3. If find this post rather apropos now that I have exposed spenser as Mr Mxyzptlk.


    Ah, Pornhub. You wonderful website you.

    Men are disgusting, but I really don’t blame you.

  5. A guy is drinking a beer at a party and a girl approaches him and asks – “What are you drinking?”
    The guy responds, “I’m drinking magic beer.”
    The girl says “What do you mean, magic beer?”
    The guy says, “This beer will give you the ability to fly.”
    The girl says, “No way, that’s bullshit!
    The guy says, “Ok, watch.”

    At that the guy puts down his beer, walks over to the window, opens it, jumps out and flies around the neighborhood. After a few minutes he flies back in the window and picks up his beer.
    The girl says, “Let me try that beer!” She picks up the beer, drinks it down, runs over to the window, leaps out and crashes 15 feet to the ground below.
    The bartender looks at the guy and says, “When you’re drunk, you’re really a son of a bitch, Superman.”


    Once, when Bono was on stage in Ireland, he stopped the music and began clapping his hands at an interval about five seconds per clap.

    He informed the crowd, “Every time I clap my hands, a child dies in this world.”

    So someone from the back yelled out – “Then stop doing that ya evil fuckin bastard!”

  7. Long before the Phil Zone, there was Keith’s side of the stage aka The Sloth Zone

  8. 1% vs 2% milk? Like that one percent makes a difference? Just takes up a lot of refrigerated shelf space and probably accounts for way more carbon emission BS than coal mines. Michelle Obama should get on the milk folks and leave the fucking hard working coal miners alone.

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