Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Vaccinate Your Damn Children

“Taylor! Come quickly, please!”

“Dr. Jenner, what is it?”

“I have discovered method by which to inoculate human beings from the dreaded smallpox by exposing them to an attenuated form of a related illness! I shall call it a vaccine.”

“Tha’s wonderful, sir. Shouldn’t be givin’ it to my babbies, though.”

“Why on earth not, Taylor?”

“Might give ’em autism.”

“How could it possibly do such a thing?”

“Dunno. But the washerwoman down the lane? The one with the big bubbles who tells all them jokes? She says so.”

“She’s wrong. You can trust me, Taylor. I’m a doctor.”

“Tha’s true. However, she does have awful big bubbles, she do.”

“Taylor, this discovery shall be a world-changing event. It is for the good of all mankind that everyone become vaccinated against not just this scourge, but any other we can construct a medicinal bulwark against!”

“Don’ seem natural, is all.”

“Ah: natural. Taylor, it is the 1600’s–”

“1800’s, I should think, sir.”

“–and the concept…1800’s?”

“Do believe you invented the vaccine in the 1800’s.”

“Well, either way: we’re in the past.”

“Oh, for certain, Dr. Jenner. There’s feces everywhere, everyone’s nicknames are incredibly racist, and animal cruelty is a sport: well and truly in the past, sir.”

“If I may continue: what is natural is terrible. People die from drinking the water, eating the food, breathing the air. We must combat this pestilence using the one weapon the good Lord has bequeathed us: our mind.”

“All the same, sir, I make the decisions about my young’uns. By the way, ‘nother one died of smallpox last night. Need the afternoon to bury him.”

“This is becoming a pattern with you, Taylor.”

“Well, sir, as we did establish: it’s the past. It’s a surprise anything gets built or wars get fought, what with all the child-burying there is to do.”

“And my discovery shall help us into the future, Taylor!”

“Still, though: the government telling me what to do. There should be a way to opt out of this program.”

“Opt out? You can’t opt out of laws. Where did opting out come from?

“Religious and philosophical exemptions, sir.”

“You’re not religious and can’t spell ‘philosophy,’ Taylor.”

“If I have a strongly held belief, I shouldn’t be forced to act against it, sir.”

“Yes, you most certainly fucking should when your ‘strongly held belief’ is stupid and dangerous.  For example, Taylor: I believe–strongly–that the healing process of burn victims can by stimulated by hurling bobcats at their faces. Now–much like your abstention from vaccination–there may be a positive outcome, with the bobcat befriending the poor crispy soul, but most likely both bobcat-tossing and vaccine-avoiding will end poorly for everyone.”

“This is about freedom, sir.”

“Mm. Perhaps history shall remember me as a monster. Someone who scythed the freedom to die of avoidable diseases from the human population. Perhaps. Taylor?”


“The wonderful thing about living in the past is that I pretty much own you. Bring me your living children.”

“Aw, you posh fucker.”

“What was that?”

“Rule Britannia.”

“Thought so.”


  1. Those three interceptions are small potatoes compared to this.

  2. Even though the characters are totally different, I couldn’t help thinking of Dr. Zaius talking to Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes every time I read “Taylor.”

  3. Sir Luther Van Baconson

    January 25, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    “bend over and take your SHIV like a man… damn dirty non-human primate!”

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