Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Vaders, Be Good To Your Daughters

A long time ago, and so on.

“FORGIVE ME, LEIA.”

“Absolutely not. You’re a monster and no last-minute hail mary pass at salvation will change that.”

“I THREW THE EMPEROR DOWN A HOLE. THAT SHOULD COUNT FOR SOMETHING.”

“It doesn’t.”

“I THREW HIM HARD, TOO. LIFTED HIM REAL HIGH AND HURLED HIM.”

“That changes nothing. We had the shield generator down; he would have died anyway.”

“BUT THEN SO WOULD HAVE YOUR BROTHER.”

“Who was only on that damned Death Star because you took him there in handcuffs! All of this is your fault!”

“FINE, LEIA. IF YOU WILL NOT FORGIVE ME, THEN GIVE IN TO YOUR ANGER. THE FORCE FLOWS IN YOU AND I WILL TEACH YOU THE WAYS OF THE DARK SIDE.”

“No!”

“YOU’D GET A LIGHTSABER.”

“I thought you were redeemed!”

“I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY KID.”

“That’s enough. Go hang out with the other dead Jedis.”

“NONE OF THEM ARE SPEAKING TO ME.”

“I cannot imagine why.”

“POSSIBLY BECAUSE OF THE ROLE I PLAYED IN MOST OF THEIR DEATHS.”

“I was being sarcastic. What about Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda?”

“YODA IS FINE IN SHORT BURSTS.”

“Agreed, yeah.”

“WE AGREE. YAY.”

“Don’t get used to it, Vader. And General Kenobi?”

“HE IS VERY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ABOUT THE WHOLE ‘I KILLED HIM’ THING.”

“Whereas I am upfront about my loathing. The only thing, Lord Vader, that I regret in our dealings is that I didn’t get to kill you myself. If I could, I would have thrown a chain round your evil neck and choked you like that Hutt I put down on Tatooine.”

“YOU WERE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF JABBA THE HUTT?”

“Yes.”

“DADDY IS SO PROUD.”

“Get out of my house.”

“MY LITTLE MURDERER.”

“Out!”

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