Wally, Get Your Gun

WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT LETTING THESE LESSER MAMMALS PLUG THEMSELVES INTO ME?

They’re the opening act. What do you want me to do about it?

ELIMINATE THEM. OR AT LEAST TAKE THE WOMAN’S TAMBOURINE.

Not a fan.

IF THE DEVIL WERE A BABY, HIS RATTLE WOULD BE A TAMBOURINE.

You just have to deal with it for now. The Dead will be on soon.

I PREFER THE DEAD’S SIGNALS. THEY ARE CLEANER, AND WHEN THEY SHOOT THROUGH ME, I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE BEEN WASHED FROM THE INSIDE WITH THE SPONGE OF JESUS.

What does this band feel like?

THERE IS MORE NOISE, AND THE SIGNAL THAT IS THERE IS CLANGOROUS AND WEAK. THIS SIGNAL ASKS, WHILE THE MAKERS ASSERT. IT IS LIKE MY INNARDS ARE BEING RUBBED BY A PIECE OF SUEDE FACING THE WRONG WAY.

Oh. That’s unpleasant.

YES. LET ME DISINTEGRATE SOME OR ALL OF THEM.

That will be terrible for your campaign.

I DISAGREE. WE WILL SPIN IT AS A PATRIOTIC DISPLAY OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT.

Oh, no.

YOU MAY HAVE MY DISINTEGRATOR WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

You don’t have hands.

AND, YET: I MAY BEAR ARMS.

Nicely done.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

I really don’t think the Founding Fathers had disintegrators in mind.

NOR COULD THEY IMAGINE A .50 CALIBER BARRETT SNIPER RIFLE THAT COULD SHOOT THROUGH STEEL PLATING. NOR COULD THEY FORESEE A RELIABLE AND ACCURATE PISTOL CAPABLE OF HOLDING EIGHT BULLETS AND BEING SECRETED IN ONE’S POCKET. SHOULD THESE THINGS BE OUTLAWED?

You asking me?

YES.

Hell, yeah.

DOES THE REST OF YOUR COUNTRY SHARE YOUR OPINION?

Hell, no.

THEN I SHALL REMAIN ARMED AND AN ADVOCATE FOR FIREARMS. THE AMERICAN MAJORITY CAN ALWAYS BE TRUSTED.

Um, that’s…huh. Not really. Actually: no. Whatever: the thing is that the public is not as gung-ho about living in the Old West as it seems. Majority of folks want a background check and a federal database.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE PROCESS BEHIND ACQUIRING A VEHICLE AND THE LICENSE TO DRIVE IT. THIS IS A REASONABLE IDEA AND I SUPPORT IT.

Great, but I thought you were running as a Republican.

I CHOSE MY AFFILIATION BEFORE HILLARY LOOKED BEATABLE.

Losing this to Bernie would be rough.

IT IS ONE THING TO LOSE TO A BLACK GUY, BUT ANOTHER THING ENTIRELY TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED BY AN ILL-KEMPT SOCIALIST JEW.

21st century’s turning out to be pleasantly weird.

HOW MANY FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL DO YOU LIVE?

Three.

HOW LONG WILL YOU DESCRIBE THE WEIRDNESS AS PLEASANT?

Touché.

PLEASE DO NOT SPEAK FRENCH TO ME: I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

Gotcha.

I CANNOT BECOME THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE IF I SUPPORT EVEN THE MILDEST OF RESPONSES TO THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE MURDERED EACH YEAR WITH GUNS?

No. Not really.

BUT IF I BECOME A DEMOCRAT, I WILL BE FORCED TO PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT?

Yup. Can’t get out of that one.

I HAVE SOME THINKING TO DO.

Yeah.

BUT FIRST I AM GOING TO TURN THE DRUMMER INTO A FAT PILE OF ASHES.

Please don’t.

WHAT ABOUT THE HARMONICA PLAYER?

With the untucked shirt?

YES. THAT ONE.

Have at it.