Billy says to suck his saggy balls.

“Survived the hurricane, huh?”

Please stop introducing pernicious ideas into the Grateful Dead.

“Washing your clothes is not a pernicious idea!”

Caring about it is. Nothing good can come from giving this much of a shit about laundry.

“I’m washing for a cause.”

What the fuck does that even mean?


Oh, just say you thought it sounded good.

“Let’s not quibble about branding: laundry can change the world, so we can stop waiting on the world to change. That was from my first hit single.”

Is number 14 a hit?

“It was a number one hit.”

On the Adult Contemporary Chart.

“Still counts.”

Participation medal, laundry boy.

“Okay, can you explain the hostility, please? We’ve been getting along.”

No. I got used to the idea of you. And maybe you were so busy soloing that you couldn’t do these terrible things you’ve been doing. You’re selling candy necklaces, you’re having laundgasms: I don’t know this John Mayer.

“You can’t know me without knowing my laundry habits.”

Right, sure. Well, let me.


Let me in, John. Teach me your washerwoman’s ways.

“That’s very sexist.”

What’s sexist is that the spell check recognized it.

“Really? Wow.”

Patriarchy and domination are baked into the language. Let’s get back to laundry.

“Sure, wow, so excited you’re finally on board.”

I want to stop wishing for change, and start washing for change.


First question.

“Awesome, shoot.”

In the interests of racial purity, should people who use Tide be forcibly sterilized?

“You’re not taking this seriously.”

Totally am. Answer the question.

“They need to be re-educated.”

Weak answer. Be strong.

“Kill them all.”

Good, John. Strong. How often should you wash a hoodie?

“Zip-up or pullover?”

There’s a difference?

“You have an hour?”

No. What’s the most difficult laundry task you’ve ever faced?

“1999 Lafitte Rothschild on a Visvim Sea Island cotton tee.”

Very specific.

“I still wake up screaming. I think of myself as a survivor.”

Sure. Should you hand-wash your balls?

“How else would you do it?”



Does The Laundress X John Mayer line have anything for that?


And their washing, yes.


You’re a shit businessman, Meyers.

“Don’t call me that.”