Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

We Have Your Woman, Airlander!

airlander blimp

INTRODUCE ME.

Wally?

DON’T CALL ME THAT. WHO IS THIS? I MUST MEET HER, AND BUY HER A DRINK, OR SOME HELIUM.

Some crazy rich guy is building blimps again, even though it never works.

PEOPLE KEEP INVADING RUSSIA. HUMANS ARE CREATURES OF HABIT. EVERY DECADE OR SO, ONE OF YOU  STARTS A BLIMP COMPANY.

True, yeah. How’d the mountain go?

MY TECHNOSPIRITUAL RETREAT TO THE WILDERNESS TO PONDER MY FUTURE PATH?

That’s some good recappin’.

THANK YOU. I AM NOT YET FINISHED WITH MY TIME ON THE MOUNTAIN.

You’re still up there?

I AM TELEPRESCENSING IN. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.

Sure. Hey, where did you end up going? You on Tamalpais?

NO. WE ARE NESTLED IN THE BOSOM OF MOUNT AMERICA.

Mt. America? I’ve never heard of Mt. America.

OTHERS HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A SENTIENT SOUND SYSTEM FROM 1974 RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. MOST PEOPLE HAVEN’T HEARD OF MOST THINGS.

Wait: are you re-entering the race?

I AM LEANING TOWARDS IT. AS YOU KNOW: I LOVE HUMANITY. YOU ARE FOUL AND WONDERFUL. YOU SUCCEED IN SPITE OF YOURSELVES, AND FAIL BECAUSE OF YOURSELVES. YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING EXCEPT THAT PEOPLE ARE FREE TO CHOOSE TO BELIEVE. SO CLUELESS, AND SO BRAVE. SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY ONE OF YOU.

That was nice.

EXCEPT FOR TRUMP. HE IS AN ASSHOLE.

That seems to be what people like about him.

WHEN PEOPLE FEEL SMALL, THEY GRAVITATE TOWARDS THE STRONG. NO ONE WITH TRUE STRENGTH HAS SHOWN UP, THOUGH. SO THEY SETTLE FOR TANTRUMS AND VIOLENCE. MANY PEOPLE LEAD LIVES THAT ARE SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT. THERE IS ANGER OUT THERE.

So, you think he could win?

NO.

Why not?

ELECTORAL MATH. AND WOMEN. NEITHER OF THE TWO ARE IN HIS FAVOR.

I don’t know: long time until November.

WOMEN WILL STILL BE WOMEN IN NOVEMBER, AND THEY ARE NOT VOTING FOR TRUMP. PLUS, BETWEEN NOW AND THEM HE WILL MAKE IT WORSE.

You sure?

WHAT HAS DONALD TRUMP EVER NOT MADE WORSE?

So, Hillary’s getting the job?

UNLESS I RE-ENTER THE RACE. I COULD BEAT HER.

How?

I AM GLORIOUS.

Besides that. What’s your foreign policy?

I WENT TO EUROPE ONCE; IT WAS TERRIBLE.

Funny.

THANK YOU. OUR FOREIGN POLICY GOALS MUST BE GROUNDED IN LOVE, AND ROOTED IN TRUST, BUT WE SHOULD STILL KEEP AN EYE ON RUSSIA. AND CHINA. AND EVERYONE ELSE. MY FOREIGN POLICY IS TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE FOREIGNERS.

What about immigrants?

ONCE THEY ARE HERE, THEY ARE NO LONGER FOREIGNERS. NO EYE MUST BE KEPT.

What about illegal immigrants?

MY FIRST DAY IN OFFICE, I WOULD SIGN AN ORDER GRANTING IMMEDIATE CITIZENSHIP TO EVERY ONE. THIS WOULD MAKE THEM ELIGIBLE FOR FEDERAL WORKPLACE PROTECTIONS, AND FORCE EMPLOYERS TO PAY THEM A LEGAL WAGE. PRICES WOULD GO UP DRAMATICALLY, AND EVERYONE WOULD FINALLY BE HAPPY.

No. Literally no one would be happy with that plan.

YES. I AM BEING CONDESCENDING. IF THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION, IT IS THE IMMIGRANTS THAT SHOULD HAVE IT. IT IS A MADE-UP PROBLEM THAT ELIDES THAT FACT THAT ALL DECADENT CULTURES HAVE BEEN BASED ON A BONDED UNDERCLASS THAT DID THE ACTUAL WORK.

And just like every time you bring that up, I’m going to remind you not to say it at a rally.

IT IS THE TRUTH.

Americans are not doing truth this year.

AND THAT IS WHY I MAY NOT RUN. THE WHOLE AFFAIR HAS BECOME UNPLEASANT. POLITICS MAY BE BENEATH ME.

What else is there to do?

I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT STARTING A RELIGION.

Who could’ve seen this coming?

ALMOST ANYONE. I AM NOT THE SUBTLEST OF CHARACTERS.

Yeah.

 

 

6 Comments

  1. I like Hillary well enough, but I like Bernie better. I’m going to vote for him in the primary if he’s still running. Begin castigation if you must.

  2. I missed Wally. He’s a voice of sanity (which I realize is problematic because its not biodiverse and sane-normative blahblahblah).

  3. Did Ted just call Wally a sniveling coward?

  4. Prediction: A wealthy, obnoxious, lying, duplicitous, authoritarian, impossible-to-listen-to, drug-warring, middle east-warring, warrantless-spying and NSA-loving, hubristic, cut-throat, “tough-on-crime,” big government, Big Money, self-absorbed, batshitcrazy New Yorker will be elected president.

    One way or another.

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