Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Weirly Beloved

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join in hippie matrimony this woman and this guy in flip-flops. Seriously, Larry: thanks for dressing up.

“We gather here today in front of God, and the Corona umbrella, and the lady digging through her purse for some reason while I am GIVING MY PREACHER SPEECH, MEREDITH.

“Thank you, Meredith.

“As I look upon you two, in your wedding dress and your wedding shorts, I think about my own wedding. I had banged my way through America for three decades or so, and the whole routine was a bit ragged at the edges. Plus, it was becoming less and less okay culturally to be a grown man pulling just-ripe skank, y’know?

“Luckily, you know: I found the love of my life, Natasha Monster. Dark hair, good family: real straight-shooter, my gal.

“Anyway, it was our wedding day, and the Buddhist monk performing the ceremony had done something or other to anger Mickey and gotten himself thrown off a mountain. Tamalpais, actually. Mickey threw a monk off Mt. Tamalpais.

“So, you know: how can you get married without a Buddhist monk, right? We’re running late, the whole vegan meal at the reception is getting cold: complete disaster.

“But then, boom: Big Guy. Now, it was ’99 and he was dead and we had to be all cool about things, so we dressed him up as a replacement Buddhist monk and Garcia did the wedding, man. How cool is that?

“Now, almost immediately, everyone knew who it was and started heckling, and then a few people got upset about the monk that Mickey threw off the mountain, and the whole ceremony looked to be ruined but then the wind caught a hold of my formal kilt and blew it up. Folks got a real good look at my legs–a solid look, where they could understand and ask themselves questions–and just like that: party was back on.

“Okay, so: you kids have a fun life together. Someone point me at the sandwiches and my check.”


  1. I met a fellow Deadhead today — it was summer league champs and this new dude shows up with this fucking adorable little one-year-old and I held him and stuff and then he noticed my Dead hat and we talked about Phish n Shoreline shows n stuff it was kool

  2. Sad. She probably wanted long pants and something covering his toes just for the ceremony photos. She dressed up.

    Some times us guys were just turds to our girls.

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