Dear David Lemieuxseumofnaturalhistory,
Hi. How are you? I’m fine. How’s Canada? I see you will be legalizing marihuana soon. That’s lovely for you. We elected a urinal that likes to watch teevee. But I’m glad for you about the pot thing, honestly.
As always, David, I write as a fan and admirer. Your stewardship of the Dead’s catalogue has been consistently excellent, from your Picks (the latest of which, volume 22, was just announced and has already sold out) to box sets ranging from large to massive; you also oversaw the return of the fabled Betty Boards which will surely fill release slots for years. Like I said, I’m a fan and I’m on your side.
You need to be careful on Twitter.
You have recently signed up for the service–they make it very easy to get an account–and sent out some exploratory tweets. (I knew they were your tweets because I could hear the wind.) Many people rushed to follow you, and like and retweet you; that was fun, wasn’t it? Felt good, right? Hey, man: I know. I went viral once.
It was terrible and the site crashed and liberals yelled at you.
GET OUT OF THE OPEN LETTER. I don’t want David Lemieuxgoogaipan to think I’m weird.
He won’t notice.
Shh. Anyway, David, I just wanted to pass along some advice about Twitter now that you’ve joined, some things to keep in mind:
You’re gonna get 80’s Truthers Dude, it’s gonna happen. I can’t believe it hasn’t already, that some nut with a boner for 4/12/83 didn’t pigeonhole you second you signed in. You need to know that this will happen to you, David. It’s gonna be like the Dead.net forums times a billion.
When it does, there are three courses of action:
A) If the 80’s Truther is reasonable, you can explain the reason why the show he’s touting (which coincidentally happens to have been his first show) isn’t suitable for release.
B) You can block the person.
C) You can issue a SAVAGE BURN™. These are to Twitter what combos are to Street Fighter: if you hit the buttons in the right order, then you can rip your opponent’s spine out with your first move. If your SAVAGE BURN™is savage enough, it may make Buzzfeed and you will be hailed, along with Chrissy Teigen and whoever’s running the Wendy’s account, as the greatest bard of our time. Huzzah for you, David! (Seriously, don’t SAVAGE BURN™ people.)
Avoid tweetstorms if possible
The tweetstorm is the newest symptom of Global Warming. Twitter has a 140-character limit. It’s good for jokes and observations, and it’s an excellent platform to link to other sites from. However, Trump’s election has driven people so insane that they’re now using Twitter to post conspiracy theories the length of Infinite Jest (including the footnotes). What’s more, even if the tweetstorm has validity, the format makes it look like a conspiracy theory dreamt up in an opium den run by John Le Carre.
They all start the same way:
And then they get progressively pithier and abstract to the point where if you don’t read the whole thing it just looks like gibberish:
Sometimes they go off the rails for a few:
Just stay away. Looking at tweetstorms–or, God forbid, liking them–only encourages them.
Retweets totally equal endorsements People put this in their little bios, but it turns out not to be legally binding. Please do not be retweeting porn stars and Nazis.
The frog is not your friend If you see a cartoon frog, you are in danger. That frog is trying to trick you into saying something it can use against you. Do not trust cartoon frogs.
Do not anger Black Twitter They will drag you. Do not anger any part of Twitter, actually. Half of everyone on the service is just there to yell at people when they fuck up. But seriously never even mention Beyoncé. You do not want the Beyhive’s attention.
Memes are not magic I don’t know how down you are with the kids, David. They have these things. They’re called memes. They’re not for us. Do not meme. Maybe you’ll see a meme–say, Dat Boi–and think that it would be a good way to advertise the latest Dead release. It would not. Please do not meme.
Good luck on Twitter, David. May the retweets be ever in your favor. As always, my best to your wife, Regina, and your lovely children Gordie, Girl Gordie, Jean-Luc, Northstar, Fleece, and the twins, Micki and Bobbi.
Thoughts on the Dead