The Honorable Devin Nunes
Chairman, House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence
United States Capitol
Washington, DC 20515

Dear Mr. Chairman:

On January 29, 2018, the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence (hereinafter “the Committee”) voted to disclose publicly a memorandum containing classified information provided to the Committee in connection with its oversight activities (the “Memorandum,” which is attached to this letter). As provided by clause 11(g) of Rule X of the House of Representatives, the Committee has forwarded this Memorandum to the President based on its determination that the release of the Memorandum would serve the public interest.

The Constitution vests the President with the authority to do whatever the fuck he wants, as it is known that no one could love America more than the President, providing he is not a Black President. The President is also granted the power to declare whether facts are true or not (See U.S. Army vs. Bailey, 1973.) In order to further his goals in an efficient manner, the President may allow proxies to speak for him, lending these proxies a taste of his awesome abilities, much like Odin did when he gifted to his son, Thor, the enchanted hammer Mjolnir. (See Heimdall vs. Simonson, 1990.) President Trump has imbued the Committee with but a fraction of his Constitutional strength, and we are become gods, we are become mighty.

The Committee has determined that the release of the Memorandum is appropriate. The Committee has also determined that it would not be appropriate to discuss the thought process behind this decision, and burned the minutes of all relevant meetings. Similarly inappropriate to release would be the 12-minute long video we have in our possession of Adam Schiff jerking it to Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ to the Oldies, though the Committee does reserve the right to leak the footage if he doesn’t shut the fuck up.


This memorandum proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Federal Bureau of Investigations is evil, incompetent, and possibly under the thrall of one or more demons such as Dab Tsog, Onoskelis, or Hillary Clinton. Our findings will show that President Trump did not collude with Russia and is 6’3″. The Department of Justice sucks, too.

On October 21, 2016,  DOJ and FBI sought and received a FISA probable cause order (not under Title VII) authorizing electronic surveillance on Carter Page from the FISC. It is our contention that:

  • Carter Page does not exist.
  • But if he does, he only got coffee.
  • Not even for important people, either: he fetched coffee for the secretaries.
  • At NO TIME was Carter Page authorized to make McDonald’s runs for President Trump.

The FISA order was renewed four times at 90-day intervals, which means that the DOJ and FBI are quadruple traitors. The Committee also contends that “FISA” is a rather foreign-sounding word, and not Norwegian-foreign. Bad-foreign. We cannot be sure that MS-13 did not issue the order for surveillance.

Our findings indicate that many salient and pertinent details were left out of the requests to the FISA court:

  1. The surveillance order was granted because of fake news contained in a “dossier” compiled by Christopher Steele, a longtime Democratic operative who may or may not have helped Hillary Clinton personally murder Vince Foster. To wit: Christopher Steele has never denied his part in the murder. Mr. Steele was paid $160,000 to “dig up dirt” on President Trump relating to Russia.
  2. The FISA application also quoted a New York Times article on Carter Page, and the Times is fake news. Therefore, no collusion.
  3. Christopher Steele was then terminated by the FBI for gross negligence, sexual harassment, taking public doodies, hiding razor blades in Halloween candy, licking nuns, and attempting to steal the Declaration of Independence. This was reported in an article by David Corn in Mother Jones, which is usually very, very fake news, but can be believed this time.
  4. At this point, a vast and secretive cabal located within the DOJ and FBI–with help from the CIA, DIA, NSA, and the Girl Scouts of America–began an evil and unpatriotic attack on then-candidate President Trump. Their plan was arrived at after a winter spent locked into a decaying castle in France where the members of this society, led by Negro Obama, defiled orphans and scatted upon each others’ chests in order to taunt God.
  5. Some or all of the FBI are skinwalkers.
  6. MAGA.

(If found, please return to the great big white building opposite the Lincoln Memorial.)