Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Whammy Bob

“Whammy bar.”

Nice.

“I’m all-in on the whammy. Some people call it a wang bar, but I don’t. Shouldn’t play with your wang onstage.”

No.

“Billy did a couple times.”

I’m sure.

“Y’see, the bridge here isn’t solid. It floats on a pivot. Your, uh, basic fulcrum is what’s at work in this situation. Then this bar–that’s the whammy–rocks it back or forth using the principles of leverage.”

I understand how guitars work, Bobby.

“Archimedes said ‘If you give me a whammy bar long enough, I could solo so loud the whole world would hear.'”

He did not say that at all.

“Most of the fans don’t know my longtime love of the whammy bar.”

None of your guitars used to have them.

“Oh sure. The Flying V.”

What?

“The double-neck.”

Nope.

“The one shaped like a Jack Daniels bottle.”

That’s a bass guitar, and it belongs to Michael Anthony.

“I should call him.”

Bobby, are you having a moment? Did your shoulder start hurting?

“Nah, I’m messing with you. I just like to daydream about being one of them heavy mental rockers back in the 80’s. Those guys were wild.”

You serious?

“I dug the pyro. And the makeup was neat. The whole presentation of the thing.”

What about the music?

“Oh, God, no. Not for me. I used to leave Headbanger’s Ball on mute while I played Ell Fitzgerald records or whatever. I tried listening to it, but I found the bands were all much better suited to be looked at than listened to.”

A prescient observation.

“But, yeah. Between you and me?”

Sure.

“Once or twice when I was home alone, I got the blowdryer and the AquaNet and just went for it. I looked like I was in Dokken.”

Awesome.

“If the internet had been around, I would’ve ordered some of those sissy-biker clothes they used to wear, but I didn’t want to be seen buying it.”

Makes sense.

“I’ll tell you this: those guitar guys played too many notes.”

Are you just jealous?

“No. Whole point of picking of an instrument is to sound like no one else. Those guys all sounded like each other. I sound like me. I win.”

“I’m a little jealous of the tapping. I thought that was neat-o, but I could never figure it out.”

It’s all in the wrist.

“It’s not.”

No.

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