Microdosing, Enthusiasts! It’s the wave of the future! Well, okay, not a wave; more like a barely perceptible ripple in the water that may or may not be there depending on several factors such as which way the light’s facing and whether or not you wanted to see the ripple in the first place, but you get my point. The future! It’s here, and it’s tiny. Sure, we were promised flying cars and moon bases, but what we have is better: people performatively ingesting substances in small amounts. Isn’t it exciting?
And, perhaps, lucrative. In my opinion, microdosing is the new de-cluttering: a concept that can be explained in one sentence that a good bullshitter can get rich explaining at length. Enthusiasts, I believe that I am that bullshitter. My book about microdosing entitled No, Less Than That will be out in the fall, and I’ve already booked a spot on Megyn Kelly’s morning program.
Of course, the problem was my lack of knowledge of the subject. How could I write about something I was clueless about?
You’re not gonna say anything?
It was too easy. It was just too easy.
I set you up.
Don’t make me cosign your lies.
You’re boring and I hate you. But, Enthusiasts, I do not hate you. Thusly, I endeavored to dive into the world of microdosing. Okay, well, not dive. It’s a very shallow world. Let’s say I entered the world of microdosing.
But where to start? Books have already been written on microdosing LSD, and medical studies are underway employing mushrooms and ecstasy. I needed a hook, and so I thought outside the box. The tiny, tiny box.
I kept a journal of my experiments with different substances. I present them to you now, in somewhat expurgated form. (I doodled dicks and titties all over the journals, but I’m leaving them out.)
9:00 am – I measure out three milliters of tap water and squirt them down my throat. I feel a bit like Galileo.
9:05 am – Thirsty.
9:10 am – How the fuck am I gonna brush my teeth?
9:15 am – Dry-brush my teeth.
9:16 am – Regret dry-brushing my teeth; wipe out mouth using towel which had previously been used to dry my asshole.
9:17 am – Thirsty.
9:30 am – Thirsty.
9:45 am – Dead.
9:00 am – Apply five cubic inches of fabric to my body.
10:10 am – Asked to leave the Foot Locker.
10:30 am – Placed on sex offender’s registry.
9:00 am – One (1) Saltine cracker and one (1) blueberry.
9: 30 am – Five (5) Pall Malls to deaden hunger pangs.
10…you cannot be here. I’m doing a bit.
People already microdose food. They’re called anorexics. You’re talking about anorexia.
I’m not talking about it; I’m advocating it.
We’re done here.
For the best.