Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

What Else Is Jared Kushner Fixing This Week?

White House Senior Adviser Jared Kushner, U.S. President Donald Trump’s son-in-law, is visiting Iraq with Marine General Joseph Dunford, the chairman of the U.S. military’s Joint Chiefs of Staff, a senior Trump administration official said on Sunday.

The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said Kushner wanted to see Iraq for himself and to show support for the Iraqi government. The official was confirming a report by other media, including a tweet by a New York Times reporter. – Reuters, 4/2/1

Monday Iraq in the morning, Iran in the afternoon. (“While we’re here, let’s take care of this.”) On the plane ride back, Jared Kushner invents a new kind of battery made from trilithium which is 700% more efficient than current models.

Tuesday Jared Kushner speaks before Parliament outlining what he calls “A Sane Way Forward” with the Brexit. His plan–which is brilliant and no one had thought of before and makes everyone happy–is a rousing success. Queen Elizabeth and the rest of Parliament give him a ten-minute standing ovation, during which he composes a light opera which will go on to win several awards.

Wednesday Opiates, the economy, the Veteran’s Administration, China, Mexico, due diligence on the AT&T/Time Warner merger, poverty on Indian reservations, NASA funding, and revamping the public schools. Lunch. Climate Change, NATO, immigration reform, total rewrite of the healthcare bill, Net Neutrality, infrastructure, Area 51, reintroducing wolves to Yellowstone, complete overhaul of fracking regulations. Dinner. Family time. Fix the Navy. Sleep.

Thursday Currently, we do not know whether every prime number appears in the Euclid-Mullin sequence. Jared Kushner will solve this problem on Thursday.

Friday Two words: healthy cigarettes.

Saturday This is the Sabbath. Jared Kushner will think about why bad things happen to good people, and then he’ll figure it out. He’s going to tell us and we’ll all be, “That is airtight, Jared Kushner. Why didn’t we put you in charge of everything a long time ago?” and he will accept our love humbly, while washing the feet of the poor.

Sunday On Sunday, Jared Kushner will cure narcolepsy, epilepsy, catalepsy, milkandpepsi, diphtheria, grapefruitation of the testes, brain spasms, loose eyeballs, plantar’s fasciitis, walking pneumonia, walking herpes, vitiligo, vertigo, vascular de gama, tinnitus, blemished spleen, arteriorectal sprinklering, and the common cold.

Next Monday, he’ll get up and do it all over again for you.

And for America.

5 Comments

  1. All Hail Jared,

    Thanks for making us laugh about this….

    It is going to get crazier before it gets better.

    In the white House your choices are “snitch to the FBI”, “Snitch to the Press” , stab someone in the back, shoot yourself in the foot, scratch someone’s back in exchange for what is behind door number 2.

    The morning status call has to be hilarious.
    “We need more help covering up, but I do not want to take resources from the new crimes initiatives, some of you are going to have to double duty”

  2. SmokingLeather

    April 3, 2017 at 12:02 pm

    Looking forward to Friday. I haven’t had a cigarette in 8 months and 25 days as of 1:11 this morning. Do you think that these healthy cigarettes will cure my emphysema, or will they cure other stuff and just not aggravate my COPD?

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    April 3, 2017 at 1:52 pm

    http://www.thestranger.com/events/24840668/march-for-science-seattle

    https://pincause.com/products/science-not-silence-official-march-for-science-pin

    5$ here, $5 there…..you never know. at the very least use to pop blisters or boils (sterilize with a cigarette light first, aseptic technique you see)

  4. Tuesday Jackson

    April 3, 2017 at 2:07 pm

    Battle of the Billionaires. High noon in America.
    Time to settle the score.

    Mercers Family vs. the Koch Brothers.

    Koch Brothers score with their Freedom Caucus, & sunk the rotten cask of effluent Trumpcare. (For the wrong reasons, but hey.)

    Succulent graft for the faithful.

    I miss Garcia.

    That is all.

  5. Drinkthewater

    April 3, 2017 at 4:44 pm

    But he’ll never cure them mean old walking blues.

    Ain’t no cure for them.

    Not in this America.

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