There is a thing called soccer, except is not called soccer; it is the Metric system of sports, it is the Celsius of games: the rest of the world can’t live without it, but only small and well-educated pockets of white Americans prefer it. (And Hispanics, obviously, but I’m only allowed to be all high and mighty and shitty towards white people.) There are some Enthusiasts who enjoy soccer, and that’s allowed by the Constitution, and I empathize personally: I have character flaws, as well.
As I’ve mentioned, my main problem with the game is the paucity of scoring. If a sporting event ends with a 1-0 score, then someone better have thrown a no-hitter. How can you score once in 90 minutes? (Plus however the fuck much time the ref adds to the end of the game at his own discretion, for some reason.)
A secondary problem is this penalty kick bullshit. If a game ends in a tie, then instead of playing overtime like civilized humans, each team sends out a handful of players to take free shots while the goalie flings himself to the ground in the opposite direction of the ball. The whole procedure is undignified. Hockey’s started doing it, and it’s shitty there, too. Play until someone wins.
What if other sports and activities adopted the penalty kick protocol?
Jesus, that was a long way to set up a premise.
Stop pointing things out.
Here we go:
Baseball If a game is tied at the end of nine innings, then a home run derby will decide the winner. If there is still a tie after the derby, then trivia questions about the unwritten rules of baseball will be asked.
Basketball Game of HORSE.
Academy Awards If two Hollywood types end up tied in the voting, then they must immediately report to the nearest velodrome and have a bike race.
Snooker Round of darts.
Darts Game of snooker.
Cliff diving If two cliff divers are equally skilled and it cannot be determined who dives off cliffs better, then the matter has to be settled with a cliff diving competition. Cliff diving beefs stay on the cliff, man.
Pie-eating contest Next morning, there’s a poop-off.
Decathlon When two athletes are tied in points at the end of a decathlon, then there will be a heptathlon to determine the winner. If there is still a tie, then a pentathlon will be held, and then a triathlon, and a biathlon. If the competitors are still tied at this point, then that’s just the way it’s supposed to be.
Beauty pageant Catfight.
War If a war ends in a tie, then it is declared a draw and the two countries have to trade celebrities with each other.
Presidential election Supreme Court and Florida get to decide.