Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

When TMZ Met The DMZ

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“This is–”

“John, shut the fuck up, you twat-breathed cunthair, or I’ll feed that lumpy turkey gobble you call a cock to my cat. WHERE’S MY BOYFRIEND, FUCKO? I need to fucking DATE, asshole-eyes! I fucking SING and I fucking WEAR CLOTHES and I fucking HAVE FRIENDS and I MOTHERFUCKING DATE. My BRAND is NOT BEING SERVICED, you pile of CORN-FILLED SHIT.”

“Hey, Taylor. How’re things?”

“Tense.”

“I hear that.”

EXCLUSIVE: Taylor Swift In A Heated Discussion On Her Cell Phone

“I’ll kill you, John.”

“Please don’t say that.”

“With my hands, John. I’ll kill you with my hands.”

“Why is this my responsibility, anyway? I’m very busy singing and wearing clothes and having friends on my own.”

“But you’re not dating. DATE ME, CUM-NOSE!”

“Cum-nose?”

“Nasal creampie.”

“Huh. Gotta try that.”

“I WILL MURDER YOU IF I AM NOT DATING SOMEONE BY THE END OF THIS PHONE CALL, MEYERS.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“And then I will LEAVE YOUR ROTTING CORPSE IN one of my MANY, MANY HOMES and I will DATE YOUR FUCKING CORPSE, JOHN!”

“You really love to date.”

“I do. What are you doing?”

jm pink shirt groceries

“Groceries, wearing clothes.”

“You love wearing clothes.”

“I do.”

“Where’d you get those pants?”

“Borrowed them from Bobby. Wait: can you see me?”

“Don’t worry about it. DATE ME, MOTHERFUCKER!”

“Taylor, listen: I can’t–

CALL WAITING SOUND

CALL WAITING SOUND

“–do this right now, and…shit, hold on. I’ll be right back.

“It’s Mayer, player.”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR! I drop bomb on all you hot dog dicks!”

“Who is this?”

kim jong un phone

“This is Kim Jong-Un from Only Korea. Put Harry Mendoza on line.”

“Hold on.”

“COCKSUCKA!”

“Taylor, I should take this.”

“COCKSUCKER!”

6 Comments

  1. For Tor……

  2. The Central Shaft

    July 28, 2016 at 11:18 pm

    Very excited about this new character development.

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