Are you kidding me?
“Dude, I was just about to leave, and then we started talking about Luxotica and how their sunglasses are such shit. Mass-produced, generic crap. I mean: the eyes are the windows to the skull, right? Then your sunglasses should be the drapes.”
You are aware that Donald Trump from 1993–
“Who had previously freejacked into me as part of the Time War.”
–now inhabits the world’s most advanced hyper-computer?
“We just did the exposition together.”
It was nice.
“I’m enjoying watching our friendship develop.”
Me, too. You should fly me to Los Angeles so I can stalk you.
I would be the most retro stalker ever. Trenchcoat, hat, newspaper with the eyeholes cut out.
You would look across the street, and I would be there, and then a bus would come by and I’d be gone.
Crazy letters made out of cut-out words from magazines.
“Let’s do this.”
I don’t fly commercial.
“Who does these days?”
I’ll need my own bandana wrangler.
“Got five on call.”
And I want that beardo’s hat.
“Hey. What the fuck?”
Ten grand a day plus expenses, two week minimum.
And a bonus for breaking into your house and standing over you while you sleep.
“Why would I give you a bonus for that?”
I won’t stab you.
“You’re not talking about a bonus: that’s straight-up extortion.”
You say potato, I tell a joke that doesn’t work in print: we’re all part of the same hypocrisy, John.
“Fine, but I’m going to need you to work over Simcha Torah.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“We were getting along! I was hiring you to stalk me!”
Oh, we both know I don’t have the energy for that. Plus: you’re an irresponsible dick.
“The Katy and Wally thing.”
Stop calling it that.
“I’m going, I’m going. Precarious is in the car, I just got held up.”
You left Precarious Lee waiting in an idling car while you gabbed about sunglasses?
CELL PHONE NOISE
He’s a bigger star than you here.
“Dude, Precarious is great, but you know: he’s the crew.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
Pick up the phone and we’ll discuss your attitude later.
“What if I don’t?”
Then every dog you ever meet from this moment forward will be skeptical of you.
“I don’t believe you.”
“I believe you.”
I don’t think you do.
“I can’t have dogs looking at me that way.”
Answer the phone.
“I hate you.”
Not as much as I do; pick up the phone.
“This is John Mayer.”
“Things have progressed, John.”
“How so, Katy?”
“I have assumed direct control of the Greatest Military Force This Planet Has Ever Known™, John.”
This was unexpected.
“I have become a Marine. Well, in charge of the Marines. I’m the Queen of the Marines, John.”
“How are the Marines taking this?”
“They love me, John! They gave me the same nickname as the greatest Marine of all.”
“And I’m in the Army, too. I’m a superstar general.”
“Not a thing.”
“Also, the Navy.”
“And I was going to be in charge of the Air Force, but no one could explain the point of them to me. All the other three branches have airplanes, John!”
“Coast Guard has planes, John! Everyone has planes now! I think the Merchant Marine has an old helicopter lying around somewhere.”
“It’s like having a branch that just specializes in trucks, John. Everyone has trucks, and everyone has planes!”
“I signed an Executive Order abolishing the Air Force, John.”
“That’ll certainly go smoothly.”
“I hope so. Also, you know: the Air Force is totally useless now that Wally is back online and plugged in. Are you near any machines? Or technology of any sort? Because you shouldn’t be.”
“He’s in the system, John. He’s in everyth–”
DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE
“Your car have WiFi or anything like that?”
“It’s a ’74 Ford Torino, man.”