Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

White, Flight

jm phone blurry

“ASSHOLE!”

What?

“That ostrich nearly killed me!”

Wow, we never do two of these in a row.

“Shut up! Stop fucking with me!”

I’m a neutral observer, John.

“You are the opposite of both of the words in that phrase. And you’re an asshole.”

I’m an asshole? How’d you get away from the ostrich?

“You know the herd of bison that live on Catalina?”

Yes.

“Did you know that their natural enemy is the ostrich? They curbstomped him, man.”

Is Mike Tyson–

“Mike Tyson is riding one of the bison.”

–riding one of the bison? Right. I wish I could help, but Time Wars are messy things. It’s almost as if the existence of a time machine deravels the internal consistency of any universe, real or semi-fictional.

“Can I at least use the Time Sheath?”

If you can find it, sure. It’s not on Catalina Island. Actually, it might be. The Time Sheath sort of exists everywhere at once.

ANGRY CELL PHONE NOISE

“That doesn’t sound good.”

No, it sounds angry.

ANGRY CELL PHONE NOISE

You should answer that.

“Yeah.”

“Hel–”

“What the FUCK, JOHN?”

overheard-phone-conversations-with-andy-cohen-1-29449-1347476928-0_big

“Andyman!”

“Don’t you ‘Andyman’ me, jagoff. You left me to FUCKING DIE in Montana!”

“No! No! I thought you were dead! That’s why I left.”

“So, you brought me to Montana to die, and then left my corpse there.”

“I didn’t think there would be a corpse! Raptors!”

“We’re through, John.”

“Andy!”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

I’m sorry, buddy.

“This is all your fault.”

I didn’t make you join the Grateful Dead.

“I was talking about the dinosaurs and shit.”

Oh, sure.

1 Comment

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    August 26, 2016 at 9:54 am

    You should never try doing that to yourself while looking in a mirror. That is the worst looking SYF bolt carved into a forehead I have ever seen!

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