Winner: Doug Jones Good work, guy. Your resume is sterling, and you truly live up to your name: you are the most Doug Jones-looking motherfucker on the planet. Anyway, congratulations and enjoy your two years in the Senate.
Loser: Roy Moore. Roy is also a bigoted childfucker, but today he’s a loser, too. Which is nice.
Winner: Statisticians named Nate. And all the other poll-readers and predicticators: all the major outlets calling the race were dead-on that the contest would break late for Jones because of the blue cities (and their black votes). Far better than the last election in which a clever Jewish man named Nate was making the book; that guy did not tell me what I wanted to hear at all, and I blame him for it.
Loser: Society? Is watching the returns come in on three open windows while obsessively monitoring Twitter and keeping an eye in Russian botnet activity healthy? What if you do it while eating blueberries, which are known as superfoods?
Winner: Black People Specifically, Charles Barkley and whoever sang Teach Me How To Dougie.
Loser: White People What the fuck, white people? I can’t even look at you right now. Stop being like this. Thank you. (This has been TotD’s Social Comment of the Day, or the SCotD. Look for more of them in the upcoming days and weeks!)
However, #NOTALLWHITEPEOPLE. Valued and dear Enthusiasts are from Alabama, and none of them voted for a childfucker; the problem arises from the fact that all white people look alike. Were I to enter an establishment in Alabama, such as a bait shop or a fancy bait shop or a bait kiosk, then I wouldn’t be able to tell the sane and rational whites, ones who may even be far to my right politically but simply couldn’t vote for Uncle Touchy, from the dangerous whites. You do not deserve to be thrown in with them, good whites!
Here’s the solution: KISS makeup. If you are a white Alabamian* who voted for Doug Jones, then you should apply KISS makeup–you can choose who you want to be but Paul’s is the easiest for day-to-day wear–before you leave the house. This is drastic, the non-batshit whites say. I’m sorry, but this is the way things go, I’d say. And then you’d ask about all the fistfights and murders the plan would cause. I would not answer, because the plan would certainly cause all the fistfights and murders that were possible. (We can calculate the number of fistfights and murders using the equation A! when A is the number of Alabamians in a given space. Example: if seven Selmans are in a Seven-Eleven, all white and wearing or not wearing KISS makeup according to voting data, then you multiply 7 X 6 X 5, etc., and we find that there are 5040 possible fistfights and murders.)
Excuse me. Why are you doing basic math at the nice people who haven’t given you anything for Christmas?
I think you answered your own question.
I continue: do not wear KISS makeup, agreeable whites of Alabama. This is a time of disharmony among men–and women, which is simply absurd–and we need not yet turn every public space political. Talk to the dangerous whites, my friends. They are, I know, your family and your friends. Smother them with love! Or hit ’em with a stick; I have no idea what to do with motherfuckers that voted for Roy Moore. Also, you should not wear KISS makeup because KISS will sue you.
You strayed away from the “Winners and Losers” theme, champ.
Hey, look at that: I did.
Stop talking about politics. It’s Christmas.
It’s Holiday now. Liberals are just calling it “Holiday” so it’s more inclusive. We all felt “Christ” was so Christ-centric.
Stop talking about politics.
EVERYTHING IS POLITICS, MAN.
At least half of your readers are hate-readers.
That’s why it hurt.
*People from Alabama are Alabamians, not Alabamans, and they will remind you incessantly of the fact.