Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

With A Special Guest Appearance By Garcia

jm stool red coat

What are THOOOOOOSE?

“Really?”

What are they?

“Expensive.”

We all assumed. Still, though: what the fuck are those things?

“Moccaboots.”

I see it. Are they suede?

“Better.”

Ultrasuede?

“Better.”

There’s no suede better than ultrasuede.

“Hypersuede.”

Not a thing.

“Oh, yeah. This is the suede that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.”

If you say so. You have lovely posture.

“Me and Mickey had a number of posture-related discussions on the tour.”

Wait, what is this? I thought you were in hiding. And that drones were coming to kill you.

“The drones flew over a Trump rally and were mistaken for black helicopters and shot down.”

Thank God for Trump supporters.

“Right?”

Who you voting for?

“Y’know, Jill Stein and the Greens have some interesting polic–”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“What!?”

This is a two-party system!

“First-past-the-post voting is tyranny!”

CELL PHONE NOISE

A third-party vote is a wasted one!

“It’s my vote, and I’ll waste it if I want!”

You’re right. But you have to live with the consequences of that vote. One of which–

CELL PHONE NOISE

–is answering that phone.

“I hate you.”

Tell it to your bandana.

“Yes?”

“What THOOOOOOOOOSE?”

“I don’t have to put up with this from you, you jumpsuit-wearing soft boy.”

“We banter. Legendary.”

“Stop calling me.”

“You in luck, Hot Dog Dick. I get you man shoes.”

“What?”

kim jong un shoes

“You like brown or black? We got brown or black. Also white, but white for me. I wear them, go dancing.”

“I don’t want any Only Korean shoes.”

“Feel free on dance floor. Work hard on hair. Work hard on hair, father hit hair.”

“Kim.”

“You like disco dance, Josh Meyer?”

“Kim.”

“We get Molly, go disco dance.”

“Summer of Skank, Josh Meyer.”

“I’m hanging up the phone and not picking it up any more.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Oh, come ON, man.”

“Yeah?”

“Please hold for Andy Garcia.”

“What?”

“Josh Matthews? Andy Garcia, but you can call me Andy Garcia.”

andy-garcia-has-committed-to-a-full-beard-2-31127-1452452124-10_dblbig

“What?”

“Let’s discuss acting, really discuss it.”

“What?”

“I love those shoes.”

“What?”

4 Comments

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    August 14, 2016 at 5:54 am

    funny funny. i see a heist movie. Billy Ocean’s 11. starring the Dead & Co, Andy, K-Buddy and Billy Ocean and His Golden Shoes. K-Buddy is the Good Villain. Andy is the Bad Villain.

  2. Meyers looks like the Sherpa that you would eventually regret having hired.

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