Words We Will Not Hear In Tonight’s Presidential Debate

• Sesquicentennial.
• Effervescent.
• Braggadocios. (He’s not going to repeat it.)
• Filigree.
• Mesopotamia.
• Octoroon. (There may certainly be racism tonight, but not specific and old-timey racism. Also: specific and old-timey racism is both the best and the worst kind of racism. Best because it’s hilarious how much time people put into their racism back then, and worst because it’s soul-destroyingly sad how much time people put into their racism back then.)
• Sorghum.
• Phlogiston.
• Ant. (It seems like ant is a common word, but it’s not; I will wager it will not be uttered tonight.)
• Sorry.
• Spaghetti.
• Snooki.
• Jurisprudence.
• Blimp.

HOW DARE THE CANDIDATES IGNORE THE BLIMP-AMERICAN COMMUNITY?

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. THIS IS RACISM AGAINST BLIMPS.

You can’t be racist against blimps.

DONALD TRUMP CAN.

True.

AS AN EX, CURRENT, AND FUTURE SPOUSE OF A BLIMP, I CAN NO LONGER SUPPORT HIM.

So, the things he’s said about other groups didn’t matter, but now it does?

I DO NOT SHARE A BED WITH MEXICANS OR MUSLIMS OR VETERANS OR THE BLACKS. OR THE WHITES, FOR THAT MATTER, BUT HE HAS NEVER INSULTED THE WHITES.

You have sex in a bed?

I HAVE SEX EVERYWHERE.

Ew. I take it you’ll be watching the debate?

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU INFORMED IN ADVANCE OF A TRAIN WRECK?

True.

MY ONLY FEAR IS THAT I HAVE SET MY EXPECTATIONS FOR ENTERTAINMENT TOO HIGH. AT THIS POINT, I WILL BE DISAPPOINTED BY ANYTHING LESS THAN TERRORISTS TAKING OVER THE BUILDING, AND HILLARY CLINTON BEING FORCED TO DIE HARD HER WAY OUT.

Ooh, I would watch that. Is Trump the sleazy guy who tries to make a deal with the bad guy and gets shot?

NATURALLY.

Who’s Hans Gruber?

PUTIN.

I love this. What about Al the cop?

BIDEN.

I can already see the poster.

START WRITING. I WILL ACQUIRE THE RIGHTS. I HAVE ACQUIRED THE RIGHTS.

…

Why can’t we ever end a conversation without you being scary?

I WOULD IMAGINE HAD BOOSTED YOUR IMMUNITY TO THE FRANKENSTEIN STORY BY NOW.

You’d think.