Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Working Undercover With A Black-Glassed Eye


“Yes, sir.”

“Come out of the bathroom.”

“I look ridiculous, sir.”

“You always look ridiculous, Jenkins.”

“Oh, yes. This is a new low for you.”

“Can’t I at least wear sneakers, sir?”

“No room in the budget. Spent everything on the Audioperambulator 3000.”


“You can walk around with it!”

“And 3000?’

“Cool-sounding number.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now, we’ll have no more boo-hooing. Don’t you boo, boy, and don’t you hoo, hoss. You’re going undercover and that’s final.”

“But, sir, is this really the best way to stop the illegal bootlegging?”

“Of course, Jenkins. You’re going to infiltrate their ranks and take the whole filthy lot of them down at once.”

“Can’t we just keep sending roadies into the crowd to cut wires and break tape machines?”

“Liability issues. Remember that bootlegger that snuck all of his equipment into the arena hidden within a wheelchair?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, the crew started dismantling wheelchairs at random.”

“Oh, that’s not good.”

“No. It turns out that people need those.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’m up to my left nut in lawsuits.”

“Just the left?”

“That’s the one that hangs higher! Righty was swamped days ago.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Nope, no more treating the symptoms. We shall attack this problem at its roots.”

“But I don’t look right, sir.”

“Nonsense. You look just like a Deadie.”




“Oh, pish and tosh, Jenkins! You know what I mean! Whatever those noodle-dancing snotbags call themselves.”

“But I don’t look like them at all.”

“Of course not!”

“Oh, please don’t say–”

“They’d be expecting that!”

“–that they’d be expecting…sir, no.”

“You’ll be narcing in plain sight.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Everyone will assume you look so much like a narc, that you couldn’t possibly be a narc. The plan is half-genius.”

“What’s the other half?’

“Core exercises. The Audioperambulator 3000 weighs 55 pounds.”

“Is there any way to quit this job, sir?”


“Okay, then.”


  1. That is definitely Henry Kissinger

  2. hugh.c.mcbride

    July 17, 2017 at 12:16 pm

    If that’s Kissinger, then maybe the missing 18 mins on the Oval Office tapes are Hank & Tricky Dick grooving to a particularly tasty Dark Star?

    • If I had time and photoshop I would put an eighties taper section outside the window of the oval office..

  3. Poor Jenkins, gets all of the shitty undercover jobs.

  4. Luther Von Baconson

    July 17, 2017 at 7:21 pm

    the shorts and shoes are intriguing. kind of an eastern european flavour to them, as do several of the sneakers (or runners for you Ontario Participaction Enthusiasts).

  5. Robin Russell

    July 18, 2017 at 3:31 am

    Is Henry Kissinger Australian?

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