“Look at this tiny little fuck.”

Mr. President.

“Does he represent China or the Lollipop Guild?”

Sir.

“Nixon could break him. With my hands. I wouldn’t need tools, just these Christian hands.”

You’re getting weird.

“What kind of name is ‘Deng,’ anyway?”

Chinese name.

“Arthur. That’s an excellent name for a man. You can trust an Arthur. Deng? No. Not acceptable. Like a beard. If this wee sonofabitch had a beard, I would sock him in the jaw on principle.”

You’re not into beards, huh?

“No, I am not into beards. Into? Is that a young person expression?”

Kinda. Here’s the thing, Mr. President: if you’re coming to 2017 to retake the Oval Office, then you should know about the beards.

“What about them?”

They’re everywhere.

“Cocksuckers.”

They’re everywhere, too.

“What are you saying? 2017 is nothing but hairy fairies?”

Little bit.

“Beards first. Explain this. A man shaves his face in the morning and then before presidential debates.”

Not lately. Height of fashion nowadays. It is a positive for a man’s status in the mainstream culture of America in 2017 for a man to be bearded. The practice is encouraged from every side.

“You people are filth. Now tell me about the queers.”

Jesus, Mr. President. Don’t talk like that.

“Young man, you know who I was when you started this waste of everyone’s time. Don’t you presume to tell Nixon not to be Nixon.”

Yeah, yeah.

“You’re going on my list.”

Really? Thank God; I’ll finally have some credibility.

“What the hell has happened to this country? Turned into a horde of bearded buttfuckers.”

We need Jesus.

“You need Nixon!”

Now more than ever. Sir?

“Yes, what is it?”

Have you seen Elvis?

“He’s here with me. He’s doing deep cover work. As you know, his years of Hollywood films have made him a master of disguise, and stage makeup, that sort of thing. He has infiltrated the Chinese team, and is gathering intel. The man is a chameleon.”

Really?

“AH HAVE BLENDED IN!”

You haven’t.

“AS YOU KNOW, MAH YEARS OF HOLLYWOOD FILMS HAVE MADE ME A MASTER OF DISGUISE, AND STAGE MAKEUP, THAT SORTA THING.”

People keep telling me that.

“THESE CHINESE DON’ KNOW IT’S ME, MAN.”

Well, that’s a good job by you.

“ISS NOT, MAN. AH DON’T LIKE NO ONE KNOWIN’ WHO AH AM. AH WANNA GO BACK TO WHERE AH’M FAMOUS, AND THERE’S PEANUT BUTTER. BILLION CHINAMEN, AN’ AIN’T ONE HEARD O’ PEANUT BUTTER.”

No peanut butter in China?

“THEY EAT EV’RY DAMN OTHER THING THAT GROWS, WALKS, FLIES, AN’ SWIMS! ONE O’ THESE WOOLLY BOOGERS BROUGHT ME AN EEL SMOOTHIE TH’ OTHER DAY, MAN.”

Ew.

“ASKED F’R SOME FRIED CHICKEN, THEY GAVE ME A YAK’S HEART STUFFED WITH BEETS.”

Double ew.

“AH AM FAIRLY CERTAIN AH HAVE EATEN SEVERAL MONKEYS.”

Elvis, concentrate.

“BRIGHT SIDE? AH’M POOPIN’ AGAIN.”

Yeah?

“WHANG DANG DOODLE, AM AH POOPIN’!”

Okay, less information about that. What exactly are you doing there?

“AH HAVE JOINED THE YAKUZA.”

Wrong country.

“THEN WHO CUT OFF MAH PINKY?”

Dammit, Elvis.