Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Yet Another Episode Of The Dead’s Amazon Show From The Creators Of HBO’s Vinyl

INT: PASTICHE RECORDS – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

EXECUTIVES of the company sit around the TABLE. A large man NAKED EXCEPT FOR A LEATHER BLAZER stands atop the table DOING LINES OFF THE LIGHT FIXTURE.

The president of the company, NOODLES BRAUNSHWEIGER, enters the room. He is played by TIM ALLEN IN A WIG.

NOODLES
We’re losing money!

ANDY WARHOL is there for some reason. He is played by PETER SERAFINOWICZ IN A WIG.

ANDY WARHOL
I hear that the Grateful Dead needs a new record
contract. Maybe you should talk to them.

MACHO is STOPPED DEAD by Warhol’s statement. Then he DOES ANOTHER LINE. Then he is STOPPED DEAD AGAIN.

MACHO
That’s it! Legendary artist Andy Warhol is right! The Dead!
Just let me go have some scenes with my wife and I’ll go sign ’em!

MACHO jumps off the table and LEAVES THE ROOM.

Then he RE-ENTERS THE ROOM and STABS NOODLES and GETS AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE ROCK AND ROLL.

INT: MADISON SQUARE GARDEN – NIGHT

MACHO is standing IN THE WINGS as the DEAD PLAYS. There are MANY SHOTS of NOODLE DANCING and people HITTING JOINTS IN SLOW-MOTION. As Macho LOOKS AROUND, he is STOPPED DEAD by the POWER OF ROCK AND ROLL OR SOMETHING.

There is a BALD MAN standing next to Macho.

MACHO
(to the bald man)
Man! That’s some jamming right there! Woo! I can’t
believe they’re playing Dark Star! In MSG!

BALD MAN
Of course they’re playing Dark Star in MSG! They play it
at every show, just like your average viewer would assume.

MACHO
Right, and it’s not like there’s any way to find out what the
Dead played on any particular night.

BALD MAN
Lost to history and easily shuffled to fit the whims of the
narrative.

MACHO
Exactly! Hey, aren’t you Cli–

BALD MAN
NO! No, no: I’m Jive Mavis from Barista Records.

JIVE MAVIS is played by MICK JAGGER’S GARDENER IN A BALD CAP.

JIVE
Are you here to sign the Grateful Dead, too?

MACHO
Looks like I got some competition! Luckily, there’s
nothing more interesting than a white guy with work
problems!

Macho SHOVES HIS HEAD INTO A GARBAGE BAG FULL OF COCAINE, then STABS Jive Davis.

ONSTAGE – CONTINUOUS

The Dead plays.

BOBBY
Jer?

GARCIA
Yeah, Bob?

BOBBY
I thought this show was about the music.

GARCIA
Music, music business. What’s the difference?

BOBBY
Well, you know: quite a bit, Jer.

GARCIA
Yeah, Bob. I was making a point.

BOBBY
Ah.

GARCIA
Bobby, aren’t you producing this?

BOBBY
Yeah, but it turns out I have no idea what a TV producer does

GARCIA
Huh, yeah: me, either.

Behind them, Keith Moon DRIVES A CAR INTO A POOL.

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