Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Yet Another Open Letter To Trey Anastasio

My Dearest Treyvon,

Hi! How are you? I’m fine! I hope it’s getting warmer where you are! It sure has been a rough winter! Talk about “cold rain and snow!”

Please stop writing like that.

Trout, we need to get some stuff straight, but right upfront: TotD thinks you are the best choice for the gig. Granted, I did lobby pretty hard for Ace Frehley to get the job, but that’s just because of my love of a good train wreck. Your presence makes this an Event, whether bitter and silly Deadheads want to acknowledge it or not.

Technically, you are more than qualified for the job. You can play really fast or really, really fast. You have many pedals, which Garcia would have approved of. Your guitar costs as much as a Ford Fiesta, which Garcia would have loved. The only way you could solo more would be to sleep less.

Garcia was known to solo.

I don’t know what songs you’ll be taking lead vocals on, but I’m sure singing lyrics that aren’t terrible will feel comfortable eventually.

That said: we need to get some shit straight, Tiff Anasazi.

This, for example, is not going to work for anyone:

trey shorts

We already got one of these. No one needs another one of these. The one we’ve got is more than enough trouble, thank you.

There will also be none of this:

trey wtf
I don’t know what’s happening here, but it can’t happen anywhere near Billy. For your safety, the earnest teens’ safety, and–since the shows are taking place on July Fourth–the country’s safety: do not do this, whatever it is.

You also don’t need to bring any weapons.

trey micke guns
It’s Chicago; you can find guns there easily.

To conclude: Toy Alpaca, you are the guy for this gig. Do it right. (And no shorts.)

Sincerely,

Thoughts on the Dead

5 Comments

  1. The last time I saw the Dead on a July 4th weekend, the U.S. shot down an Iranian passenger plane.

    I don’t believe the two events were related, but just to be safe, I will not be going to Chicago.

  2. Trey has that same dopey confused look on his face that Will Smith’s kid always has.

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