Urine, it seems, is not sterile. This fact that we all knew is not a fact at all, it turns out, just another weird myth about our bodies that fall apart at the slightest bit of questioning. Why would urine be sterile? Doody is not sterile. Doody is the opposite of sterile. Urine is just liquid doody, and it comes from inside your body, which is unspeakably filthy. So: the food and drink that turned into the urine wasn’t sterile, your body’s not sterile, and your genitals certainly aren’t sterile. Why would piss be?
With this knowledge newly in place, I endeavored to examine other beliefs about our bodies and health and see if they held up to logic and biology, two subjects in which I am an expert
Drink 8 cups of water a day to be properly hydrated. Terrible advice. Way low. The average man or woman needs 8 gallons of water a day, and that’s if you’re not exercising. (You should be exercising.) Also, due to differing levels of folic acid and iron, women need to supplement the water with a bottle of Yoo-Hoo. (Not a can: Yoo-Hoo in a can is poison with sugar in it.)
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Quite frankly, it’s that kind of bullshit that led lunch to his drug habit. Lunch has no self-esteem. Most important this, never skip that. What about lunch? It’s not like everyone says! Lunch is smart! Lunch is smart and it wants respect!
Sit-ups won’s give you abs because you can’t spot reduce. Of course you can spot reduce: it’s right over there.
Lift with your back. No. Use your hands.
Don’t go swimming for an hour after you eat. Unless you’re a fish, in which case it’s unavoidable. (Better advice is to not go in the wave pool for an hour after eating, and also don’t go in the wave pool ever. I don’t know why someone felt the need to make a swimming pool dangerous, but I want no part of it. You will find me on a raft in the lazy river.)
Never wake a sleepwalker. This is a scary belief for how wrong it is: you should wake all sleepwalkers immediately. FACT: one out of every six people on the street is actually sleepwalking. Ever see a guy at the supermarket who’s just completely oblivious? He is probably sleepwalking, and it is your civic duty to shake the living shit out of him to wake him up. Morally, not grabbing that guy by the shoulders and shaking him is the same as if he were choking and you refused to give him the Heimlich.
You only use 10% of your brain. This is actually true, but only for Zika babies.
Humans have five senses. We have far more than five senses. Besides the senses of sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch, there’s the sense of propriety, decorum, humor, proportion, fair play, outrage, urgency, and Spider (Peter Parker only). Also a sense: the feeling you’re getting fucked with.
Cracking your knuckles cause arthritis. Not true. Cracking your knuckles causes the audience to know you’re a badass.
Starve a cold, feed a fever. This is correct, actually, but only the tip of the iceberg. Additionally, one should:
- Distract the flu, mollify rickets.
- Be emotionally withholding to diabetes, stab a cramp.
- Avoid the clap, keelhaul scurvy.