Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Box Office Blues


“Welcome to The Tahitian.”

“Oh, God, you’re working the box office now?”

“I’m not allowed to work the snack bar any more. I ate some food.”

“How much?”

“It’s a movie theater, so it was like thirty grand worth.”

“Pricey place for peckishness.”


“Is Gussy making you pay her back?”

“Miss Incarnation-Potpourri–”


“–already took it out of my check.”

“She took thirty grand out of your check?”

“No! I don’t get paid that much. I wish. That would be awesome. No, uh, she charged me her cost for the food.”

“Which was?”

“Eleven dollars. We really mark stuff up here.”

“You’re not supposed to tell the customers that.”

“Ah, dammit. Shit. Fuck, I’m not supposed to curse, either. Shit, but I just–”

“Stop talking.”

“Please don’t tell Miss–”

“Oh, of course I’m not going to tell on you, you gibbering nitwit.”

“Cool. You’re awesome, Mr. Vegetable. Are you here for the 2:30 showing of The Meerkats of Firenze?”

“Why? Is it sold out?”

“Oh, no. The opposite.”

“It sounds ghastly. What is it?”

“It is an art nature documentary.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“The animals eat each other, but derive no joy from it.”

“I still don’t know what that is. No, I don’t want to see that at all. I just want the schedule for this month, please.”

“I have totally memorized it. Quiz me.”


“Quiz me. Any date.”

“Julio, I will reach through this glass poke you in your eyeballs. Give me the schedule.”

“Just one date? Please!?”

“Is this how you got your little girlfriend?”

“Things are going really well with us. The other night–”

“If I quiz you about the schedule, will you not talk about your filthy teen hormones?”


“The 14th.”

“Renny Harlin retrospective.”

“Good heavens, why?”

“We’re fumigating.”


“Boss said that it was the only way to keep the place empty.”

“Yes, the tents tend to attract circus folk. What about the 21st?”

Temporo! The Four-Dimensional Monster! That’s gonna be shown in 4D.”

“What is 4D?”

“The movie’s in 3D, and as you watch it you move forward in time 87 minutes.”

“Sounds like I can skip it. 27th?”

“Lost films night. Dune by that guy with the name. Oh, dude: Arnold in a movie about the Crusades. Then, Kubrick’s Napoleon.”

“Save me a seat for that.”

“We don’t currently have assigned seats at The Tahitian.”

“It was a euphemistic expression of interest.”

“Oh. Then I didn’t understand. And also I don’t understand the thing you said explaining the thing I didn’t understand.”

“The future of Little Aleppo. What’s playing tonight?”

“This evening, The Tahitian will be featuring two movies.”

“There’s only one theater.”

“We’re using the front and the back of the screen.”

“Ah. And what are the two features?”

“They’re both about Kandinski.”

“Just give me a schedule, please.”

“Would you like to contribute to the March of Dimes?”


“The Parade of Pennies?”

“That is a fake charity started by your boss.”

“How do you know that?”

“The conversation she and I had regarding it.”

“No one gives to it, anyway.”

“That was the point. Give me a schedule.”

“You could get on our mailing list.”

“I live two hundred feet away. Monthly, I take a constitutional from that literary dungeon my sins in this and former lives have sentenced me to. I drink coffee and walk down to the Verdance to heckle the lunatics at Shrieker’s Corner. On the way back, I pick up the monthly program for The Tahitian. It makes me happy. Why do you take from me my happiness? Give it back! Give back my momentary happiness!”


“It is in the shape of a schedule.”

“We’re out.”


“Yes, sir?”

“You’re fired. Get out of the booth. I was Gussy’s boss; she’s your boss; I can fire you.”

“She specifically mentioned that you can’t.”

“Really? I just thought of it.”

“She’s pretty smart.”

“I know. I fired her for it on several occasions.”


  1. Renny Harlin and his production team accidentally burned down Windermere House(1870) in Muskoka while filming some garbage flick there back in the 90’s….. sadly Renny was not harmed.

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