Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Could LeBron James Medal?

ARCHERY Yes, definitely. LeBron James has superhuman hand-eye coordination, plus super-long arms with which he could just reach over and stick the arrow in the bullseye. Don’t discount his mental toughness.

BADMINTON Are you kidding me? King James rushes the net, which is somewhere around his knee, and dominates with his physicality; he would figure out the rules and scoring as the game went on. The only problem would be that LeBron would need to temper his mighty strength and not swing the racket so hard that the shuttlecock exploded every time he hit it. He would also have to stop laughing at the word “shuttlecock.”

BASKETBALL I think so.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL Huh, I wonder what would happen if an NBA player became a beach volleyballer?

wilt beach volleyball

Oh, right. Another gold for LeBron, and whoever he lets be his Scottie Pippen.

BOXING LeBron would not medal in boxing, as he is a man of peace and would not participate.

CANOE/KAYAK/SAILING/ALL THE OTHER BOAT BULLSHIT LeBron James grew up in Cleveland, which is on Lake Erie. Therefore, he is most likely a skilled watersportsman. (Not like R. Kelly. The wholesome kind.) And sailing is 95% being rich enough to afford the best boat and crew; LeBron is rich as shit. He would win these medals.

CYCLING Those seats hurt LeBron’s taint, and he would not cycle. No medal.

DIVING There’s a reason Tom Hardy and Greg Louganis weren’t 6’6″. No medal.

EQUESTRIAN There is also a reason jockeys aren’t 6’6″. He would need a Clydesdale, and I don’t think that’s a particularly graceful breed. No medal.

FENCING LeBron James is already a world-championship caliber fencer, and he holds private tournaments at his house twice a year; they’re the highlights of the fencing social season. The only reason LeBron hasn’t already won several gold medals (in all three classes: epee, sabre, and foil) is because of a promise he made to his dying fencing instructor.


GOLF Also yes.

GYMNASTICS LeBron would win gold in the all-around, and silver in both the rings and pommel horse, except he is not about to be seen in public in that wack-ass tight leotard shit.

HANDBALL Are you kidding me? Send the Cavs to the handball tournament. No prep whatsoever. In fact: deliberately misinform them about the sport. They’d still win by a billion and five points.

JUDO/MODERN PENTATHLON/RUGBY LeBron is still technically human, and is reported to become weary just as the mortals do. Therefore, he would skip these sports to give his awesome muscles a rest. Rest assured, though: if he had two weeks to watch tape, then he could win the gold in all three of these sports. Also, these are rather foreign sports and LeBron holds them in low esteem.

SHOOTING A lengthy conference call involving the NBA, Disney, Nike, Gatorade, and several other multinational corporations decided that LeBron had a scheduling conflict that left him unable to be photographed with a rifle.

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING/SWIMMING Two days ago, LeBron James and his entourage entered the Aquatic Center; LeBron refused to take off his sunglasses or Beats by Dre headphones. If you hadn’t known him since childhood, you couldn’t see the head shake, and the shift in his shoulders that meant you were leaving. LeBron and his entourage exited the building, and he signed an autograph or two on the way out, but did not remove his headphones.

TABLE TENNIS/REGULAR TENNIS LeBron James is a master of all forms of tennis, and so large that he is his own doubles partner. Gold medals.

TRACK AND FIELD LeBron James is a master of both track and field. Many medals.

TRIATHLON If LeBron isn’t getting in the damn pool, what makes you think he’s getting in the damn ocean? That is pure foolishness. People with billion-dollar endorsement deals based in large part on their physical fitness do not go swimming in the waters off of Poopacabana. And let’s just dispense with the notion that King James is going to be part of any water polo bullshit.

WEIGHTLIFTING The weight room? You gonna talk about the weight room? Not the game! Not the game, the weight room? We’re talking about–not a game–the weight room? No medal.

WRESTLING Honestly? One of those Russian ogres would rip his arms off in five seconds. No medal.

OPENING AND CLOSING CEREMONIES LeBron James would be the best at both the Opening and Closing Ceremonies. Two medals.


  1. Luther Von Baconson

    August 13, 2016 at 5:01 am

    i got hopped up in wine-stupor for about an hour with the Heptathletes Thiam (BEL) & Johnson-Thompson (GBR) in the high jump. sobbing like a baby at the finish. then i planed out watching that movie with the Kid Dinosaur and the Kid Neanderthal. Woke up on the couch, “Ricki and the Flash” was on. Bernie Worrell, Rick Rosas, Joe Vitale, Rick Springfield. Meryl on vox & tele. very weird, can’t deal with The TeeVee.

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