Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Let’s All Go The Lobby To Get Ourselves A Treat


“Welcome to The Tahitian. Would you like to try our Extra-Value Super-Jumbo Combo Party?”


“When I give you your popcorn, I go ‘yaaay.'”

“Never make that noise at me again. In fact, never make that noise at all again.”

“The boss says we have to. It makes her laugh.”

“She always did have a dippy sense of humor. Fired her for it on several occasions. Now: popcorn, orange soda. Bring these things to me.”

“What size? Insufficient, Salutatory, Deleterious, Preposterous?”


“Or for an extra dollar I could shoot the hose directly into your mouth.”

“Definitely not that. What happened to Small, Medium, and Large?”

“McDonald’s owns them!”

“I was unaware.”

“Yeah! That’s why Starbucks had to come up with those fake Italian words.”

“That is the first coherent explanation I’ve heard of for that.”

“Or for an extra dollar I could shoot the hose directly into your mouth.”

“Does anyone actually choose that?”

“Yeah. A sad amount.”

“One would be a sad amount.”

“I feel weird doing it.”

“Five years for aiding and abetting diabetes. Where are my snacks?”

“Would you like your order delivered to your seat?”

“Just hand it to me.”

“Have you thought about the options available other than the old standby of popcorn and soda, sir?”

“Such as?”

“Wonton soup.”

“I don’t want wonton soup at the movies.”

“There’s shrimp in it.”

“Still no.”

“We also serve alcohol, and feature many locally-produced wines.”


“Out back.”



“Stop calling me that, you gawky fungus.”

“–The Tahitian is the model of a modern major movie house.”

“You read that off your palm.”

“We have gustatabody trammel…something, and…I can’t make that out.”

“Hands got sweaty?”

“The popcorn machine gets hot.”

“It does that.”

“Soda machine, too.”

“It shouldn’t do that.”

“Would you like a personal pizza?”


“What about a public pizza?”

“What’s that?”

“You have to share it with your row.”


“Weren’t you in my shop the other day?”

“You threw me out.”

“I do that. You weren’t working here last time I came in.”

“Miss Incaranana-Pully–”

“Not quite.”

“–hired me. She threw me and my girlfriend out of the balcony. We were making out. I have a girlfriend.”

“How on earth did you get thrown out of the balcony for making out? Bear-baiting goes on up there, and not the kind with animals. Hairy fellows. Rocky Horror is pretty much a regularly scheduled orgy. One night, the lube overflowed and streamed over the side like Angel Falls. How do you get thrown out for a little teen romance?”

“The movie had been over for three hours.”


“But we started talking on the way out, and she hired me.”

“What about your girlfriend?”

“Oh, she doesn’t need a job. She’s from a wealthy family who doesn’t approve of–”

“Yes, yes. Everyone understands who you are. Bring me my popcorn. Why won’t you bring me my popcorn? I can see it behind you.”


“Right there. Where I’m pointing.”


“That’s my finger. Don’t look at my finger, look at where it’s pointing. Do you not understand how pointing works?”

“You’re making me nervous.”

“How can I be united with the snacks I desire? Tell me the words to say.”

“You want popcorn.”

“And an orange soda.”

“What size popcorn?”

“Not this again.”

“Voluminous, Voluble, Voracious, or Vast?”

“The largest bag you have. Not the basket made from tree bark, nor the collector’s edition bucket, nor do I wish to swim in the machine like Scrooge McDuck.

“Okay. Would you like to Same-Size that?”


“It’s the same size, but a dollar more.”

“I would not.”



“Butter topping?”


“Butter topping-flavored topping?”

“What is that made of?”

“No one knows.”


“Listen…I forgot my glasses, what does your tag say?”


“Listen, Frank–”

“Frank’s not my name: it’s Julio.”

“So why is Frank on your name tag?”

“It’s not a name tag: it’s a reminder to be honest.”

“Y’know: sometimes, it’s exhausting to live in this neighborhood.”


  1. wonton soup at the movies….

  2. That marquee reads like it comes from Hunter’s list of the rules of rock and roll.

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