Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Marching Two By Two

“Phil, hear me out.”


“We call it Dead & Family. You, me, Josh, New Brent, and that kid from the cover band who plays too fast on drums.”


“Fine, Grahame can be in the band.”

“It’s not about that.”

“Short tour.”

“Bob, I don’t wanna tour anymore. I’ve told you this a million times.”

“Short. Real short. 14 cities in 18 nights. Northeast in March.”

“That sounds like a sentence. A judge would literally have to force me to do that.”

“March is a lot warmer than it used to be up there.”

“Hard pass, Bob.”

“Ten shows, ten night, ten cities.”

“I would die, Bobby. That would kill me.”

“You’re healthy as a horse.”

“No, I mean I’d fucking kill myself rather than do that.”

“Four cities, spaced out over a week-and-a-half, really nice hotels.”

“Which cities?”

“New York, Boston, DC, and Chicago.”

“I don’t wanna go anywhere near DC.”

“Done. It’s out.”

“Three cities?”

“Just three.”

“No Josh. We get someone else.”

“He’s, uh, come a long way. Really played his way into the music.”

“Yeah, I know. I listened to a couple of shows from your last tour. It’s just that we’d just have to pay him too much.”


“I got a restaurant full of Fake Jerrys that’ll do it for a grand a night.”

“Keeping money is better than giving it to someone else.”

“There you go, Bob.”

“All right.”

“Weir, I want you to look me in the eyes and promise me you’re not gonna call me in a couple days trying to work the drummers into the mix.”

“No drummers.”

“No BIlly, No Mickey, none of Mickey’s weird little foreign friends and their weird little foreign drums.”


“I don’t even wanna hear their names. If a Disney cartoon comes on, you say, ‘Hey, there’s Minnie Mouse’s husband.”


“When you’re singing Ramble On Rose, you change the line to ‘Just like Kiddy Fun Day.'”

“Sure. What is, uh, Kiddy Fun Day?”

“We do it out back by the bocce courts every weekend. Weather permitting.”

“Everything depends on the weather.”

“Sure does. We clear? No drummers.”

“Okee-dokee. But that means we can’t call it Dead & Family.”

“Who gives a shit?”

“Can’t use the Stealie.”

“Who told you that? That thing’s public domain by now. Every asshole on the internet slapped it on a bumper sticker and we never sent ’em any threatening letters. That sucker belongs to the people now, comrade.”

“Yeah, maybe. You in?”

“I gotta talk to Jill.”

“Make sure you mention that Radio City has a capacity of 6,000 with a per-seat estimated average of $211.”

“I’ll tell her.”

“Lead with it.”


  1. i love this…

    “I got a restaurant full of Fake Jerrys that’ll do it for a grand a night.”

    “Keeping money is better than giving it to someone else.”

  2. this conversation could be no better. it is perfect.

  3. So good

  4. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    December 12, 2017 at 12:46 pm

    Those guys look SO guilty! 🙂 Like they were just caught making up setlists or something.

  5. You know when your readin a totd post and you keep thinking this can’t get any better and then, referring to radio city capacity.. ” lead with it” priceless!!!!!

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