Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Relic Relaxes, Relishes Relix

Hey, Billy. Reading?

“Nah. Looking at pictures. Never really learned how to read.”


“Seemed like a hassle.”

This is a new development.

“First grade, right? Teacher’s giving us that whole ‘A,B, C’ bullshit. What’s that called?”

The alphabet.

“Alpha dog don’t need no alphabet.”

That doesn’t make sense.

“So the teacher-lady goes ‘Open your book to page ten’ or whatever, right? So, I say, ‘Is that where the skank is?’ And she goes, like, ‘There’s no skank, William.'”


“I know! So I go, ‘Well, are there at least pictures of titties?’ And would you believe that witch sent me to the principal?”

What’d you do?

“Punched the principal in his dick; punched the vice-principal in his vice-dick.”

You are a consistent hobgoblin.

“After that, nature was my teacher.”

How’d that work out?

“Not great. Nature’s dumb as shit. Real good at being a tree or a mountain or whatever, but try asking nature who won the Peloponnesian War.”

Sure. Billy?


You can read.

“Course I can read. I wrote a damn book, man.”

Benjy wrote your book, Billy.

“He acted in an advisory position.”


“Mostly just told me where the commas go. Tricky little buggers.”

Billy, you told stories into a tape recorder, and then Benjy sat down and turned it into something resembling a book. Phil wrote his book. You participated in the creation of yours.

“Maybe, but mine’s better than Phil’s. How many Dan Healy-involved orgies does Phil’s book have?”


“See!? Mine’s better. Also: in Phil’s book, how many times is he mean to Phil?”


“There you go. Billy wins.”

You always do.


  1. He loves his red hat(s).

  2. Semi-fictional Billy has crossed a line here.

    I want to love Semi Fictional Billy and up till now I was able to.

    • The line must’ve moved or something. I love semi-fictional Billy…he’s now the only Billy to me. I recently read a personal note he wrote (no Benji) to a group of his friends after NYE. It was so sincere and utterly devoid of dickpunch and skank references that I had to put it down.

  3. Billy’s Nantucket Red baseball hat (cap?) is nigh on ubiquitous.

    Does it have An Official TotD Moniker? Might it?

  4. Luther Von Baconson

    February 3, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    he kinda looks like a funky Tony Dow here

    check out

    next week andy & melvin

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