A Petition to Allow Deadheads to Poop in Soldier Field’s Parking Lots
This is a petition to allow Deadheads to poop publicly and semi-publicly in the lots surrounding Soldier Field for the duration of the Dead’s 50th anniversary shows this July Fourth weekend.
The Grateful Dead is widely regarded as one of the most patriotic of all rock bands: after all, half of them are dead from lifestyle choices and the remaining ones are violent capitalists. The 50th anniversary shows will be a truly All-American event: inclusive of all races, tribes, and cultures (that are college-educated white people.)
It would be the safest thing for everyone involved to let us poop in your parking lot, Chicago.
The city of Chicago estimates these shows will have an economic impact of $50 to $100 million over the long weekend. We will drink your Old Style beer to wash down that backalley abortion of a tomato casserole you so hilariously call pizza.
And then we will poop. Please let us poop in your parking lots for 24 hours a day for the entire long holiday weekend.
Camping at the venue before and between shows is a long-cherished Deadhead tradition. And camping, as we know, is just a euphemism for non-civilized pooping. You can sleep in a car or in a chair; food can be brought or prepared easily. It’s the number twos that are number one on everyone’s priority list and it is in this intricacy that the love of taking doodies right outside a football stadium took hold in the Dead family.
Allowing Deadheads to poop in your parking lot is also the safest course of action. As nostalgia will infect even the most rational of people, many of us will indulge in a kind burrito or the dankest grilled cheese, like, ever. We will recall the weeks we spent living off nothing but these tin-foil wrapped health code violations and the wonderful things that happened to us while we maintained this diet and forget that we are now old and the parking lot food will make us sick and we will need to poop.
Please let us poop in your parking lot, Chicago. One last time.