Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Good News

Are you there, God? It’s me, TotD.

“I AM THAT I AM.”

I never quite understood what that–

“SILENCE! I AM THE ALPHA AND OMEGA. I AM THE MORNING STAR AND THE EVENHACH HACH HACH…Listen, kid, I’m not gonna do the voice.”

Cool by me. You sounded like Wally, anyway.

“Or a less-Southern Elvis.”

Sure.

“What do you want? I’m busy.”

Because it’s the Sabbath?

“No. College football. Just lost a bundle on Nebraska.”

Didn’t you know how it was going to turn out?

“Of course. I just didn’t believe it. I mean, c’mon. The Northern Illinois Huskies?”

True. I won’t take up too much of your time.

“Ahem.”

Sorry, sorry. I won’t take up too much of Your time.

“Put some respect on my pronouns.”

I apologize.

“You are forgiven.”

Okay, real quick. Um, here goes: why me?

“Why not you?”

Well, what did I ever do to You?

“What did you have for lunch?”

Cuban sandwich.

“So good.”

The best.

“It’s just ethnic ham and cheese, but still. Yummo. Buuuuuut can’t be mixing the meat and dairy.”

Really? I’m being punished because I didn’t keep kosher?

“Nah, I’m just fucking with you. Go nuts on the shrimp and wash it down with chocolate milk for all I care.”

Phew. So, why?

“Because you’re a fucking moron, and you constantly act against your self-interest.”

What about the hurricane?

“The hurricane that I provided you with shelter from?”

Yeah.

“Uh-huh. And besides, I didn’t send the hurricane. I spun the roulette wheel a few billion years ago and the ball lands where it wants. I don’t send weather at people. You’re thinking of Poseidon.”

Oh.

“Furthermore, if I was going to send a storm, it wouldn’t be named Irma. It would be something awesome.”

Like?

“Ronnie James Dio.”

That is a pretty awesome name.

“I truly don’t need your approval.”

Sorry. What about my computer?

“The one you took your eyes off in a crowd of strangers?”

Yes?

“Wait, you don’t have a computer? So what are you writing this on?”

Someone sent me their old one.

“Uh-huh. For free?”

Yeah.

“Did they, in fact, eat the shipping?”

They did.

“Overnighted the sucker across an entire continent just so you could write your little stories?”

Yeah.

“Wanna shut the fuck up?”

I should, but I don’t want to.

“There you go, kid. Everything bad that’s ever happened to you–fucking EVER–has been your own fault. I’ve been looking out for you. Sometimes I look like family members; sometimes I look like strangers on the internet. Hell, sometimes I look like cops who didn’t want to be bothered with paperwork. You ought to be thanking me, but instead you whine and cast blame. You remember the story of Job?”

Yes.

“Well, you didn’t fucking understand it, did you?”

God, in all honesty, You don’t come off too well in that story.

“Huh. Really? Watch out for the lightning.”

What light–

SHWAKATHOOM!

–ningJESUS!

“Yes?”

“He wasn’t talking to you, dumbass!”

“Don’t call me dumbass, Dad!”

“Did you take the garbage out?”

“I SAID I’D DO IT!”

DOOR SLAMMING NOISE

Kids, huh?

“I tell ya. Just hangs around the house all day.”

That’s rough.

“You have no idea how many job interviews I’ve gotten for Him. I think He gave up somewhere along the way.”

I can relate.

“Course you can. You’re a whiny little momma’s boy like He is. Now, um, ahem.”

“GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.”

Yes, sir.

“Last fucking warning.”

Yes, sir.

“Or I’ll give you a reason to ask ‘Why me?'”

Yes, sir.

“I pulled your ass out of the fire on several occasions this week. That’s over. From now on, I’m only helping you if you help yourself.”

Yes, sir.

“Now fuck off.”

Yes, sir.

God?

“Whaaaaaat?”

One more question.

“Getting on my last nerve, kid.”

Quick one.

“Go.”

Can I see Your face?

“Sure.”

Huh.

“Surprised?”

Not really, no.

“No one is.”

SHWAKATHOOM!

FUCK! What was that for!?

“Reminder. This is your last last chance, asshole.”

Yes, sir.

9 Comments

  1. This is the back up on my roller coaster of a day. Thank God for the comment section, and fuck dope.

  2. and thank God for the Enthusiast that sent the laptop enabling the further “entertainment” of the usual gang of idiots!

  3. Remember on Twitter when I said “people suck” when your stuff got jacked? I take it back. People are fucking awesome.

  4. I read God’s last three lines of dialogue with Miles’ voice in my head.

    If there’s a follow up I humbly suggest more casual profanity along the lines of…

    “The Golden Calf bullshit forced Me to make the Israelites wander in the desert for 40 years. Those motherfuckers weren’t so quick to cast YHVH aside after that lesson.”

    “John of Patmos was a funny motherfucker, man. When he wasn’t coming up with bullshit like ‘two hundred million lion-headed cavalry’ he was fucking. Women were his thing, besides apocalyptic literature and psychedelics.”

  5. Ain't it just like the night

    September 17, 2017 at 10:27 pm

    Great news. Restores the faith in humanity! Obviously didn’t take much. This site and the author are things that brighten my day navigating this distopian future in which we live. Political satire on genius level. Totod I have care package for you, many thanks for what you do!

  6. i am so glad to see you.

  7. Ah, this is just the best news. So good to see ya back (and eternal gratitude to the Unnamed Enthusiast who helped out)!

  8. This post makes me so happy! This is why we missed you! Also, that person who sent you the laptop is an awesome human.

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